Burnt Cheese

Life is... a craving satisfied. Enhanced when you didn't even realize that's what you were craving until you got it. It's that delicious moment when God whomps into the deep-calls-to-deep spot in the center of your soul. I love that spot. It's so... satisfying.

He came to breakfast. Grilled cheese. Who wouldn't?

I'm cooking and Sara Bareilles is singing Brave compliments of my friend Sherra who makes me better. Brave's playing on a fb page so I'm looking at the faces of my Stand girls and my heart is working to contain what those faces do to me, how they fill my world to overflowing.

My head is still trying to process the emotion of watching our Joeie-ellie walk down the aisle to a boy who loves Jesus more than he loves her. And all our girls, who were in Jr. High ten minutes ago, were there, some wearing rings from other boys who love Jesus, all of them searching for Him in every space of their lives. Those girls wreck me. How can I love them so much?

There's a picture of Samantha training to be a soldier, which is fitting because I don't know many who are willing to stand in battle like she does.

My world tightens to just the space my computer fills, my cheeks are drowning, my heart is dense with all the emotion and hope and love these women bring to my life. I feel like me and Jesus are having this beautiful moment. Until. I smell burnt cheese. Dang it.

Whomp.

 Whomp such an absolutely accurate way to describe God's entrance in those super personal moments that confirm I'm His. He doesn't crash in; He loves me too much. He doesn't sneak in; He's too sure of Himself for that. He whomps. It's graceful and gentle and consuming. Only a Creator could connect with His creation this way.

Can't say you've felt that connection? Can't remember it? It's there. Take another grip with tired hands. Take another, or a first, look beyond where and who you are. It's not-so-simple and so simple all at the same time.

...back to it cause now I'm a bit ticked. My breakfast is burning.

But there's that lingering whomp. Because this day started like most others do lately - overwhelmed, overbooked, not enough hours or resources or strength. Painful. Impossible. Really hard to manage. Tomorrow promises the same.

From that place of hurt God connected and satisfied my craving for release.

While my heart and head and every fiber of my emotions were straining to contain how those women and their abilities inspire me, the enormity of my responsibilities and expectations were killing me.

God brings balance and when He does it's complete, unlike my version which looks a lot like baked procrastination with a fear frosting. He simply asked me what I was willing to let burn for the sake of lasting memories and relationships like I have with these women. Like my grilled cheese.

Let burn. Let. As in choose and then allow. Burn. As in disintegrate, which, by definition, means it's gone. You can't get it back. Without even realizing what I was agreeing to, I agreed. Let it burn!

To my amazement, what God wanted me to let burn was not my to do list (bummer). It was the life-threatening weight of my self-imposed stuff. I didn't realize how excruciating the weight of worrying about what someone who chooses not to like me thinks had become. I'm immobile from worrying that I'll do something wrong and mess up someone else. I'm carrying the weight of all that I'm supposed to do and care about in addition to an unmanageable heart-load of fear and self-doubt and worry.

Crazy thing is, the people who I'm worried about should be carrying this load, not me. When I carry it they don't have to. That won't fix anything. It'll sure break me though.

And just like that, whomp, I could choose to burn it. Craving. Satisfied. Like ice water when you're melting. Like really good coffee... any time. My deep-calls-to-deep was offered release. The absence of that weight was tangible to my soul. There was suddenly available space in my brain and heart. I didn't need fewer tasks as much as I needed fewer worries. Who knew that was an option?

Life is suddenly manageable. Same to do list. Same number of hours in the day. Less worry. God brings balance.

This wasn't a simple moment for me to come by. I've been CHOOSING to cling, desperately at times, to God. I didn't always want to. Sometimes I called Him mean in the quiet places of my heart. Same thing as shouting it to the God who is my DNA. I knew He could hear me. I was hurting, but I wouldn't let go. All I could do was continue to push myself against Him, hold on to Him. Make the choice to do what I knew I should despite it all.

He proves to be real and strong and able without fail. I now know Him well enough to choose Him. Over and over. Hurt AND joy. Fear AND trust. Doubtful AND sure. Despised AND loved. Always.

He's the Lover of my soul. That's one of my favorite names of God. That kind of God satisfies cravings before I identify them. He brings balance. He saves grilled cheese.  

Rock A Baby

I love how as life gets more difficult, God gets simpler. I'm sure there's some spiritual equation at work in there - I just don't know it...yet. I should soon. I say it often enough.

Perhaps difficult isn't the right word...no, it is. But it's not necessarily a bad kind of difficult. It's just different difficult. Like when your kid's intellect grows faster than yours. Take, for example, today. My lovely little bit of sunshine Zoe Schultz came into her room giggling and left doing those convulsive gasps you get after a good long fit. Over putting her coloring mats away. When did she master belligerence (defined as aggressive or warlike behavior), and why don't I know how to parent that? How did she learn first?

I've heard a lot lately, do everything in love. I think Jesus said that too.

Even after we had our meeting of the minds, Zoe was all too grateful to get scooped up out of her bed and snuggle up with me to "rock a baby" - my 3 favorite words. "Mommy? You want to rock a baby?" Oh you know I do!

I've been asking God to rock a baby a lot these days. His response is always the same as mine. That's astounding to me.   

It's how He responds to everything I bring Him. You want to hear how great this was, God?
Oh You know I do! 
You want to hear how scared to death I am?
Oh you know I do?
You want to help me fix this...again?
Oh you know I do!
You want to...
Oh you know I do! Seems I hear the response before I even finish the question. His lap seems always ready. His love and concern and compassion are so genuine.

And that's what makes it so simple. Love. Concern. Compassion. Pair them up with the wisdom He promises and I'm pretty sure you've got it.

Soapbox Love and War

For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Ephesians 6:12

So we've been doing some "fighting" in our new home. Our cool coffee shop church plant is not so welcome here if you're asking certain authorities. They fight dirty. They threaten your kids. That threatens you. But it also forces you to go further than you ever would for yourself.

Here's what I learned this week:

Nothing in this world can replace a Godly husband. I'm pretty tough. He's tougher. When the fight got too much for me, I didn't have to ask, he was already right there. Him and God - they took care us. No other man could have done what he did.

I thank God for Jeremy. Twice I wanted to be married so bad -everyone else was doing it, I was already 26 for crying out loud and there was a willing boy. But they weren't the right guys. I knew it.

Thank God for those break-up tears. I'd much rather have cried those than the tears of being married to the wrong guy or to a guy who didn't love Jesus more than himself and me and our girls. How tragic to have almost settled for even a great life with someone else.

To waste your heart for even one date on a person who isn't ALREADY ready to be your teammate for Jesus is the saddest, most horrifying choice I can fathom now.

Here's what else I learned:

I saw in my mind the Revelation Jesus with King of Kings and Lord of Lords tattooed on His thigh. I felt just a sliver of His power. He reminded me of something Jason said -that God never stops. Never sleeps. Never hesitates. God reminded me that I don't live in Satan's realm. I live in His. Psalm 24: The earth is the Lord's and all who live in it.

He told me to stop making Him smaller than me. Ouch! I act like I need to go to the front line to fight and I allow God to come up behind me and do what He can. He told me that He rages for me, for my family every moment. He said He's an awful (meaning amazing) God and He will not be defeated.

I'm supposed to learn to live in the refuge of this Revelation God so He can rage for me. I don't know how. I have to change my perspective, my gut reaction so that my reality is to recognize God first and not the battle. I'm excited that this will be my new reality. It's a permanent soul vacation. But I'm not so good at it yet.

Why would God ask someone who's not so good at the basics to plant a church? So He can be glorified?! In my weakness He is strong. 1 Cor 2 - it's an incredibly freeing and inspiring and scary chapter for a control freak. I feel it. I aspire to it.

And that about wraps it up. God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.

Be prepared. You're up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You'll need them throughout your life. God's Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other's spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out. Eph 6:11-13 The Message