I just love you...that's all

I'm sitting alone (which is a rare thing) in my room trying to soak in and commit to memory this day spent with Jesus. It's a pretty marvelous moment. So much so that I have to sort it out and put words to some of what is etching itself on my brain and my soul. I love my little blog place in the universe...

My fantastic husband watched the girls today while I continued to put all the pieces of women's retreat into cohesive messages. So I sat nested on our bed and let God pour out His astonishingly, extravagant love on the pages of my fading PC. I hear you calling, Mac!

In the background I heard the squeals and laughter of our girls as they played with Daddy. Then I heard Daddy coming up the stairs...in retreat from the squeals? No, he was looking for ways to dress the girls up like ladybugs because their wings are still packed away in a box somewhere. We dug through a box of coats and found two red and black puffy vests - don't mock, we live in Vermont! - and a pile of old, boa-like scarves. A far...far cry from a ladybug but the offspring loved them and they squealed and laughed and flapped their boa wings and danced around the living room.

Then it was quiet for awhile and I was lost again in God's brilliance and in how creatively He expresses His grace. The messages were all coming together and I was so taken by His love and how deep it runs for us.

Then I heard Jeremy ask the girls if they were ready to put on their rubber boots and go exploring. They were! They talked about the mud puddles, how cold it was, if Frosty was still melted, "Can I put my hood up?" "You hold my hand, Dad?" They went on and on as he got them both dressed and out the door - no small task.

I know these aren't the moments Hollywood is after, but for me they were the backdrop to this amazing day between me and God.

God's been keeping me still since we got here. Somewhere in that stillness I got a soul makeover. I'm looking at this reflection of me and it's not what I once saw.

Life is harder than it's ever been in some ways and much simpler in others - I think that's called living. And I think it's how we become bold and crazy and gentle and fragile and strong and a whole mixed up wonderful mess of things that each belong to us.

I spent a long time today trusting God with one of the most fragile parts of me. A part that I don't allow others to handle for fear that it might get broken again. Broken hurts. Except with God. I found that out today. He turned that one thing that I protect with silence and it caught the light just so and suddenly it wasn't so fragile any more. In fact, we tossed it around and I went out for a long pass a few times even though I'm not very good at catching. I showed it off to the women at the retreat - well, I typed it out as part of a message. That was hard. Really hard. It got fragile again real fast. But then God did that thing where He makes it look much different in His hands than it did in mine. So it's in there. To be said out loud to women I don't know so well. What will they think of me?

You want to know what it is, don't you? It doesn't matter as much as knowing that while it can linger in the background of my reflection when I see myself, it doesn't exist in God's mirror. It's not anything more than my story, my weapon to wield. He loves me that much. That's one powerful cross. One powerful love.

It's saturating me, making permanent marks on my soul, this love that makes me more than a sum of my choices. I sat nestled in it all day. I heard it in my kids and husband as they played. I felt it when I read an email from my beautiful sister who loves like no other human can. I understood it a little more as I realized all the little and big things that make me who I am are okay by God even if they don't match up with everyone in my life.

It's been a wonderful day with you, Jesus. I don't want to forget when tomorrow gets hard. Right now I'm trying to soak in as much as I can to help me remember. I'm so glad you can listen to my heart. I just love you so much...that's all.

Soapbox Love and War

For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Ephesians 6:12

So we've been doing some "fighting" in our new home. Our cool coffee shop church plant is not so welcome here if you're asking certain authorities. They fight dirty. They threaten your kids. That threatens you. But it also forces you to go further than you ever would for yourself.

Here's what I learned this week:

Nothing in this world can replace a Godly husband. I'm pretty tough. He's tougher. When the fight got too much for me, I didn't have to ask, he was already right there. Him and God - they took care us. No other man could have done what he did.

I thank God for Jeremy. Twice I wanted to be married so bad -everyone else was doing it, I was already 26 for crying out loud and there was a willing boy. But they weren't the right guys. I knew it.

Thank God for those break-up tears. I'd much rather have cried those than the tears of being married to the wrong guy or to a guy who didn't love Jesus more than himself and me and our girls. How tragic to have almost settled for even a great life with someone else.

To waste your heart for even one date on a person who isn't ALREADY ready to be your teammate for Jesus is the saddest, most horrifying choice I can fathom now.

Here's what else I learned:

I saw in my mind the Revelation Jesus with King of Kings and Lord of Lords tattooed on His thigh. I felt just a sliver of His power. He reminded me of something Jason said -that God never stops. Never sleeps. Never hesitates. God reminded me that I don't live in Satan's realm. I live in His. Psalm 24: The earth is the Lord's and all who live in it.

He told me to stop making Him smaller than me. Ouch! I act like I need to go to the front line to fight and I allow God to come up behind me and do what He can. He told me that He rages for me, for my family every moment. He said He's an awful (meaning amazing) God and He will not be defeated.

I'm supposed to learn to live in the refuge of this Revelation God so He can rage for me. I don't know how. I have to change my perspective, my gut reaction so that my reality is to recognize God first and not the battle. I'm excited that this will be my new reality. It's a permanent soul vacation. But I'm not so good at it yet.

Why would God ask someone who's not so good at the basics to plant a church? So He can be glorified?! In my weakness He is strong. 1 Cor 2 - it's an incredibly freeing and inspiring and scary chapter for a control freak. I feel it. I aspire to it.

And that about wraps it up. God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.

Be prepared. You're up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You'll need them throughout your life. God's Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other's spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out. Eph 6:11-13 The Message