5 years later 2 days from now

There are days that Post-It to your brain and, like a good Post-It does, pop up in unexpected places to remind you about life. Some such days:

The first morning I woke up wearing my shiny new engagement ring... tingly!
The afternoon Jeremy and I sat on the bench at The District and heard, "Congratulations, you're pregnant!" (PS don't take calls like that in public. What a mess!)
The walk from the doctor's office to the car when I told my mom, "There's two in there!"
Carrying "the two" into our house, so tiny they were lost in their car seats, after 45 days in the NICU.

Have mercy...there are so many more! That's the sign of a blessed life. Thank you, God of Wonders for not giving up on me.

There's one more that popped up yesterday that has had me playing chicken with pure freaked out fear, insane happiness, awestruck wonder and Christmas morning excitement ever since.

It was a summer afternoon five years ago. Jeremy and I were planning summer camp for ONEministry and something started us dreaming. I was sitting in my cushy blue rocking chair, he was sitting on the floor in front of the couch. We had always talked about starting something new - a ministry from scratch. This day the dreaming went big. We talked about opening a coffee shop. We talked about how we would do church and sling coffee at the same time. We talked about how cool it would be to be that close to students who would love us and come sit in the shop every day and learn to love Jesus. We talked about how awesome it would be to have caffeine available all day long!

I remember feeling so full of excitement just daring to think it could ever happen and, in the same thought, feeling this crushing weight because it was so far away and there was so much between us and then...if there was ever even a then like that in our future.

I remember with perfect clarity hearing God's still small voice say that we were very good at dreaming about the future but it was time to start learning what to do with the next ten minutes. It was time to start being those people in the dream even without the dream to fuel us. I didn't love it. I just wanted to be the girl with the coffee shop, with the church filled with students who came as they were - messy and lovely and needing a Savior and meeting Him there with us. I hated putting down the dream to plod through my reality.

1 Corinthians 2:9 No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceive what God has prepared for those who love Him.

Fast forward...

It's Monday night. Wednesday night we have church. The church we dreamed about five years ago starts two days from now. It's the beginning of seeing that God-dream play out, not like it did in our heads but like it did in God's. What we laid down in our living room, and a hundred times after, so that we could plod through the next ten minutes is about to become our reality.

I'm so grateful, Lord. So in awe. So inspired to trust You with all the details that seem to be spinning out of our control. I can see it... and it's so much more magnificent than what we dreamed! The people alongside us are so far beyond who we deserve. But it's You they love. And you chose us... five years ago.

Five years from now, when we replay the next two days and the days that are coming when you open the coffee shop that is still part of this dream of Yours, we'll remember our little 200 year old house in Latrobe with the crooked floors and low ceilings where you first showed us the dream; we'll remember the most incredible youth kids who came there and to ONEcamps and to the Rave!; we'll remember Vegas and our first pink apartment and closet offices that we loved and The Fix that we miss; we'll remember our first year in Vermont that we waited through to get to June 15, 2011 and we'll lay it all down again for the next ten minutes.

If you have seen it, heard it, dreamed it...know that He will accomplish it.

 Were you there? 5 years ago...

...2 days from now

Rock A Baby

I love how as life gets more difficult, God gets simpler. I'm sure there's some spiritual equation at work in there - I just don't know it...yet. I should soon. I say it often enough.

Perhaps difficult isn't the right word...no, it is. But it's not necessarily a bad kind of difficult. It's just different difficult. Like when your kid's intellect grows faster than yours. Take, for example, today. My lovely little bit of sunshine Zoe Schultz came into her room giggling and left doing those convulsive gasps you get after a good long fit. Over putting her coloring mats away. When did she master belligerence (defined as aggressive or warlike behavior), and why don't I know how to parent that? How did she learn first?

I've heard a lot lately, do everything in love. I think Jesus said that too.

Even after we had our meeting of the minds, Zoe was all too grateful to get scooped up out of her bed and snuggle up with me to "rock a baby" - my 3 favorite words. "Mommy? You want to rock a baby?" Oh you know I do!

I've been asking God to rock a baby a lot these days. His response is always the same as mine. That's astounding to me.   

It's how He responds to everything I bring Him. You want to hear how great this was, God?
Oh You know I do! 
You want to hear how scared to death I am?
Oh you know I do?
You want to help me fix this...again?
Oh you know I do!
You want to...
Oh you know I do! Seems I hear the response before I even finish the question. His lap seems always ready. His love and concern and compassion are so genuine.

And that's what makes it so simple. Love. Concern. Compassion. Pair them up with the wisdom He promises and I'm pretty sure you've got it.

I just love you...that's all

I'm sitting alone (which is a rare thing) in my room trying to soak in and commit to memory this day spent with Jesus. It's a pretty marvelous moment. So much so that I have to sort it out and put words to some of what is etching itself on my brain and my soul. I love my little blog place in the universe...

My fantastic husband watched the girls today while I continued to put all the pieces of women's retreat into cohesive messages. So I sat nested on our bed and let God pour out His astonishingly, extravagant love on the pages of my fading PC. I hear you calling, Mac!

In the background I heard the squeals and laughter of our girls as they played with Daddy. Then I heard Daddy coming up the stairs...in retreat from the squeals? No, he was looking for ways to dress the girls up like ladybugs because their wings are still packed away in a box somewhere. We dug through a box of coats and found two red and black puffy vests - don't mock, we live in Vermont! - and a pile of old, boa-like scarves. A far...far cry from a ladybug but the offspring loved them and they squealed and laughed and flapped their boa wings and danced around the living room.

Then it was quiet for awhile and I was lost again in God's brilliance and in how creatively He expresses His grace. The messages were all coming together and I was so taken by His love and how deep it runs for us.

Then I heard Jeremy ask the girls if they were ready to put on their rubber boots and go exploring. They were! They talked about the mud puddles, how cold it was, if Frosty was still melted, "Can I put my hood up?" "You hold my hand, Dad?" They went on and on as he got them both dressed and out the door - no small task.

I know these aren't the moments Hollywood is after, but for me they were the backdrop to this amazing day between me and God.

God's been keeping me still since we got here. Somewhere in that stillness I got a soul makeover. I'm looking at this reflection of me and it's not what I once saw.

Life is harder than it's ever been in some ways and much simpler in others - I think that's called living. And I think it's how we become bold and crazy and gentle and fragile and strong and a whole mixed up wonderful mess of things that each belong to us.

I spent a long time today trusting God with one of the most fragile parts of me. A part that I don't allow others to handle for fear that it might get broken again. Broken hurts. Except with God. I found that out today. He turned that one thing that I protect with silence and it caught the light just so and suddenly it wasn't so fragile any more. In fact, we tossed it around and I went out for a long pass a few times even though I'm not very good at catching. I showed it off to the women at the retreat - well, I typed it out as part of a message. That was hard. Really hard. It got fragile again real fast. But then God did that thing where He makes it look much different in His hands than it did in mine. So it's in there. To be said out loud to women I don't know so well. What will they think of me?

You want to know what it is, don't you? It doesn't matter as much as knowing that while it can linger in the background of my reflection when I see myself, it doesn't exist in God's mirror. It's not anything more than my story, my weapon to wield. He loves me that much. That's one powerful cross. One powerful love.

It's saturating me, making permanent marks on my soul, this love that makes me more than a sum of my choices. I sat nestled in it all day. I heard it in my kids and husband as they played. I felt it when I read an email from my beautiful sister who loves like no other human can. I understood it a little more as I realized all the little and big things that make me who I am are okay by God even if they don't match up with everyone in my life.

It's been a wonderful day with you, Jesus. I don't want to forget when tomorrow gets hard. Right now I'm trying to soak in as much as I can to help me remember. I'm so glad you can listen to my heart. I just love you so much...that's all.

My Resignation

Good times in the life of me this week!

It's Saturday morning and I'm getting ready to go to hear Abi Cyr, a church planter in New England, speak at a women's retreat. I'm thinking about how I'm ready to finally grace God with my willingness to live in Vermont and actually be a Vermonter. That's a biggie for me. But I'm ready. Cue the strings and woodwinds. Grand moment of humble(??)submission is about to begin.

Praise God for His mercy and love for this sinner!

Somewhere in the midst of my nonsense, which is the honest best I have to offer some days, I had one of those "conversations" with God where He downloads a new version of me and I suddenly have a new truth to operate from. It seems like there should have been words spoken, but He's God and He spares Himself from my end of the conversation. So it just happened.

It went something like this...

Melanie: "I don't think I want to be a college pastor. I still like teenagers better. I didn't leave youth ministry by choice. You took me out a back door at night in the dark and I thought we were going for ice cream."

God: "You used to minister to your passion (youth). Now you'll minister to what grieved you most about that passion (losing them in college).

Melanie: ...something like a stunned silence with vague undertones of that "Der" sound you make when you get what you're hearing and find it to be so far beyond what you would have come up with...

God: "And so you don't find yourself in another season of grieving, I'm going to involve you in women's ministry so your college girls don't get lost after graduation."

Again with that stunned silence thing. The download was already complete. The deal was done.

I found myself fighting the urge to be a baby and whine at God for tricking me good...again! Truth be told, I'm learning to be proud of these moments when life seems to have turned a sharp corner down Sucky Drive. I made the choice to obey God and follow Him here - long before here was a college church planter in Vermont.

I'm starting to see that the road is not a punishment but a love pat, that feels like a baseball bat at times, to lead me toward the vision I long for and away from the disaster and heartache that would come from being ill-equipped, soft and unaware had I arrived via the "easy" road.

So, even though I haven't been in youth ministry for over 3 years now, I officially, in my heart, resigned my position as a youth pastor and accepted my role as a college pastor...and women's ministry involvee. I also officially, in my heart, became a resident of the fine state of Vermont, mud and all.

Off I went to the retreat.

Fast forward 5.5 hours to the end of the retreat. Our women's ministry director for Northern New England asked me if I would be the spring retreat speaker and travel throughout our district to share Jesus with the wonderful women.

...something like a stunned silence with vague undertones...

Not really, I love to talk about Jesus. I said yes before she finished asking. But still. Jesus is the lover of my soul, my safe place to resign one passion and immediately replace it with two more.

My favorite lessons are the ones that teach me that He can be trusted because there is no wickedness in him. Psalm 92  He can't trick me, ditch me, abuse me, unlike or unlove me. He can't call me and leave me unable to do what He's called me to do. He can't forget about me. No plan goes unnoticed by Him. He can't give me anything less than His very best. He can't leave me without enough finances, food, shelter or clothing (wahoo!). He can't leave me in an unsafe place. He can't leave me with no friends or not enough vision to carry me through. He is my beginning and my end; I am destined to flourish.

Moses. Not Just for OT Survey Anymore!

So here's one for the church planters and anyone called to start a new thing for the Lord. It's a good one because you will most definitely find yourself in a few seasons of discouragement due to extreme waiting ...and waiting ...and opposition of all sorts from those who should know better and be grateful for your sacrifice. chuckle chuckle snort You'll feel certain that what you toil and labor over (mostly in your mind and prayers at the beginning) amounts to nothing to your supporters and critics alike. And you'll be tempted to doubt your awesomeness and take a ride on the Fear Train. Don't. At least not until you consider Moses.

Moses. God love him. He was precious.

He had a go of it as a leader.

He was chosen and set up quite nicely with that whole basket in the Nile op to complete his calling. He botched it by killing a guy.

He gets another chance but cries about his ability to do what God's telling him to do through a burning bush... Have I prayed for a burning bush set of instructions? Yes, I have. Have I received them? No, I have not. I'm just saying, Mo...

He finally gets an Associate Pastor in charge of community relations and he's not so well received by the big guy in charge of his target demographic. Bummer. He fights on. Things get much worse. He's misunderstood and unappreciated. If at first you don't succeed... He gets his people and God shows up in big ways just to say, "Hey! I got your back on this one. Let's go!"

His people grumble. A lot. So much so that he loses his temper. Repeatedly. And spends most of his free time settling their disputes over...the flakes? ...the sand?

Not much to show for his extreme call that was going to change the world. I'll bet he didn't look in the mirror every morning and pray for humility while he fielded offers to write a book and speak at How to Set Your People Free conferences. My guess is he wondered often why the heck he left his family for this! I'll bet he was glad they were in the desert where no one could see what a disaster his "church" had become. I mean, sure, there were miracles and confirmations but a few of those can only go so far. Right?

Then we get to Exodus 18. The church planter's/ new thing starter's Perspective Chapter.
18:1 Moses' father-in-law, Jethro, heard about everything God had done for Moses and his people. He heard especially about how God had rescued them from Egypt. v5 Jethro came to visit Moses in the wilderness. He brought Moses' wife and two sons with him. v8 ff Moses told his father-in-law everything the Lord had done to Pharaoh and Egypt on behalf of Israel. He also told him about the hardships they had experienced along the way and how the Lord had rescued his people from their troubles. Jethro was delighted when he heard about all the good things the Lord had done.

"Praise the Lord," Jethro said, "for he has rescued you from the Egyptians and from Pharaoh. I now know that the Lord is greater than all other gods, because he rescued his people from the oppression of the proud Egyptians."

Then Jethro brought a burnt offering and sacrifices to God. Aaron and all the elders of Israel came out and joined him in a sacrificial meal in God's presence.

The next day, Moses took his seat to hear the people's disputes. Jethro asked, "What are you really accomplishing here? Why are you trying to do all this alone?"

Moses replied, "Because these people are a giant pain in my donkey!"

"This is not good," Jethro exclaimed. And he proceeded to give Moses the advice that changed his strategy, empowered his small group leaders, and made him available to answer when God called him up to the mountain to meet with him and get those stone tablets we still use today.  A pretty stellar moment for a lame church planter/new thing starter, if you ask me.

So here it is. Moses would not have planned Exodus the way it happened. Not at all. Moses was tired, frustrated, angry, lonely and generally weary of his call. But he had a long term vision and he knew that he knew that God had told him to do this thing.

Some days all you can do is put one foot on the ground and pray for God to shove the rest of you out of bed. So he did.

And along came Jethro. Into the wilderness. Wife and kids in tow! He was inspired by Moses' miserable experience to the point of saying, "I know now that the Lord is greater than all other gods." Why? Because Moses had been through things most people wouldn't dream of even considering and he was still standing, telling the tale.

If Moses hadn't pressed on through all the junk, he'd have had no testimony to bring Jethro to the realization of who God is and would be in his own life. Need I say, that's the only reason we do this!

Now the good stuff happens! Jethro blesses and encourages Moses and his staff, gets involved, starts using his gifts to further the Kingdom and helps Moses get ready for what comes next. That's church, people! That's the church at its finest! Showing people who our God is and letting them get involved in the awesome mess...I mean awesomeness with us!

So be of good cheer...what's that mean?? Get happy for your circumstances. For the choices you made to get you here - even when here is a miserable place surrounded by miserable people. We're church planters! We ain't afraid... well... we aren't quitters.

We're living someone's salvation message. When they tell how they came to be convinced the the Lord is greater than all other gods, you will be mentioned by name and miserable struggle! Perspective is a wonderful thing.

To further prove this, I offer our most exciting update yet...
We are getting ready for pre-launch services to begin in late May! We will officially launch weekly services at Stand church this August when our students come back for fall term!

We have been encouraged and blessed by strangers and friends who simply listened to our story and, when it seemed to amount to nothing to us, they were convinced that our God is greater and worth their time, prayers, talents and dollars.

This is another beginning. Another middle. Another end to our story. I love how big God is!

Ode to Mud Season

To the tune of "Hello Mother, Hello Father". Enjoy!

Hello Mud and
Hello Water.
I don't love you;
You're a bother.
Grab my tires
Send me sliding.
So I'm stuck here in the house until I'm crying.

Ruts and potholes
Getting wider.
Dog fell in one,
Now we can't find her.
Teeth are chipping,
The ride gets rougher.
Look behind us, Dear, I think that is our muffler!

Musical interlude...


Frost heaves tore up
All the pavement.
Now we don't know
Where our wheel went.
Oh please VTrans
Won't you help me?
That bump shattered all our windows now we can't see.

My truck's dirty.
So's my jacket.
Don't know how long
I can hack it!
Sun, if you're waiting
For a reason
To come could it be to save me from Mud Season!?

Finding Me Right Here Where I Am

Here's what I'd like God to do. I'd like Him to show me a hologram of myself and do all that Iron Man computing so He can pull out each little part of me and let me know how I'm supposed to act. I'd like to see what's the "right" me and what's the "Needs work, kid!" me. That way I would know when to stop busting my own chops when life around me doesn't go well and when I NEED to have my chops busted and come back in line.

That's what I'd like.

I'm waiting...

So. As I suspected (after waiting for 39.2 seconds and getting no response), the answer is probably already in me (Thank you, Coach!) and is definitely waiting to be found in the Word.

Here's my latest life-gem: I'm insecure at Olympian levels. One gold medal...pssht. I'm a repeat medalist - one for the history books. The whole world knows my national anthem: Affirm me! Affirm me!! La la la Affirm me! 


I don't think I'm alone in this. I'm a perfectionist and I have junk in my life. It's not the having junk that messes with my head. It's the working through it. It leaves me vulnerable. I despise that. Weakness sucks. Except for what God says about it. Which is why I keep working on it and exposing it and dang if I don't continue to find myself in places, among folks who enjoy highlighting it for me...just in case I missed it the first time. Thanks.

I (have to) believe that this latest magical season is ushering me to a place of security in who GOD (keyword) fancies me to be. I feel it in my bones and I'm holding on tightly to the hope of it. I'm pretty sure it will make me much more effective in this thing called life!

My process has been that I work really hard to figure out who I am. I pray. I study the Bible. I think and over-think it all. I usually cry - because the process is prompted by some swipe to my confidence that I'm, in fact, recovering from masked as self-improvement. I do all this silently, to myself. Then I unveil it on creation!   


Viola! The perfect me!

Seriously, I am repeatedly convinced that this will be the version that finally works, that pleases all humanity and sets me up as woman-extraordinaire. Yes, I do know the definition of insanity, and if you think this is the first place I see it play out in my life you should read just about any other blog.

What makes today different is that I see myself a bit more from the outside looking in rather than through windblown hair with emotions raging - it's hard to have a healthy perspective from that vantage point. It's hard to hear God with that storm raging in my ears. Today I see glimpses of this fantasy Me who may just be the girl God fancies me to be. ...which means she's real. In my dreams she looks like this:

She is not everyone's scapegoat. Even if they think I am. She is not to blame for another's ridiculously bad choices that they continue to wallow in right in front of me. She is not the reason things don't go well...usually. She has lots to learn and always will because God said I'm an on-going project and that's ok. However, She is pretty smart and can do all sorts of things just right, even when it's just my version of "just right" because I'm not the Kingdom, I'm merely a part of it. That's not an excuse to tell the world to shove off; it's learning to be confident in who I have to be to make my slice of the Kingdom function. 


That being said, She... ok, I need to let God help me take the big girl steps out of the raging emotions and uncertainty so I can be confident even when there is a shortage of affirmation. Writing helps. But the "when it comes right down to it-ness" of it is not even a little bit easy. Especially when I'm about 180 degrees from most people around me. I think what I see as weakness is not to be pshawed, but embraced in the proper context.

Which is: "He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness so Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardship, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Cor 12:9,10

When I know who I am according to Christ, then I am strong even if I'm not being hailed as woman extraordinaire. When I am steeped in the Word enough to know when to speak truth and when to pray truth silently over a person, then I am strong. ...and I can deal much more peacefully in my soul with annoying people who are just working out their slice of the Kingdom.

I am also reminded of my own counsel: You don't admire a person who keeps her head down and plows through what ails her. You admire the girl who knows her God and trusts Him enough to let Him shelter her weakness when it's exposed for all to see, and insult, and persecute, and use to make life hard. Cause at the end of the day, it's me and Him. And He will affirm me as often as I will listen: Beloved of the Lord, rest secure in Me for I will shield you all day long, I love you and you can rest between my shoulders. (my personal version of Deuteronomy 33:12). I am my beloved's and he is mine. Song of Solomon 7:10

Also...no one likes a lunatic. That one helps keep me just a step away from crazy!

Deep Thoughts on Winter

A few thoughts I've had as the snow and temperatures continue to fall because what can you do but laugh...

Dear Paul,
Did you use a broom to remove ANOTHER 8" of snow from your vehicle while it pelted your face and poured into your boots before you wrote verse 12? I know life was tough for you too, but I was just wondering. : )

Dearest Mr. Snowplow Driver,
Thank you for moving all the snow off the roads. Oh, and you know how you piled it up higher than my side mirrors along the on and off ramps between me and food, that was fun! The fishtailing was getting so mundane. Not being able to see oncoming traffic really added something special.

Dear Moron who tailgates during treacherous conditions,
You're a moron. But you're not as bad as the awesome southern skier who drove 13 miles per hour down the treacherous hill.

Dear Inventor of the 4-Wheel Drive,
Bless you! My Durango rocks winter. I thoroughly enjoyed driving through that drift that was higher than my tires. And I survived the on ramp.

Dear Master of the Storehouse of Snow,
Despite my prior musings, winter is magical. It rewrites the world so totally, so completely. It reminds me that out of nothing, You spoke everything. In chaos, You breathe control. I stand in awe of You...but not outside. It's freezing out there.

If only...

Oh high school, where are your days when most problems could be solved with a good girl fight in the parking lot, or a few nasty notes passed during Chemistry? Alas, I'm grown up. Alas...

Seems this church planting gig comes with a lot more housekeeping than I originally noticed when I signed on the dotted line. And, try as I might, the contract is in Ursula's tentacles not to be wimped-out on (Little Mermaid has entered our 2 year old world). Perhaps this housecleaning is not just due to church planting, maybe it's just being a girl who is loved by God, loved enough to be brought to change. I'm (mostly) glad for that...the being brought to change part.

I told a friend that to be capable of handling all that comes with planting, you've got to give God permission to really scrape out the bottom of your barrel where all the rot and decay festers and blooms. I still agree with myself. ...oh glory, it's good to be amused. I also realize that I'm always willing to obey and "go through it" and suffer for the sake of something but I never (until today) received that all this suffering is part of God's love story with me. Just me. Because I'm me. I'm His beloved. And that's enough to merit His attention to my details.

God's kickin' it old school with this latest bit of tender lovin'. He went straight for the Mean Girls vein that apparently still pumps pretty good in me. The details aren't important. The lesson is.

I've been angry - like, really angry - because I wouldn't allow myself to settle some things with my mad high school skills and that left my pride jugular exposed and spurting pride-ooze. Grr! No coincidence that the amazing message at church was on conflict. It's from James and is a must listen to: comunitybiblechurch.ws the March 20, 2011 message. Then a friend tells me that her struggle over whether she had to be baptized was settled simply and completely by this: "Because Jesus said so."

That's it, isn't it? Because Jesus said so. That settles things for me. Because He's Jesus. My beloved. He's why we do what we do and, way more importantly, why we are who we are.

If it can be that simple then I can let myself be loved so much more intensely and completely. Then it's Him who mends my pride jugular and soothes my wounded weakness.

It's suddenly ok to be weak. It means I'm still alive. It means I might have a thing or two to teach and model for my girls and the boy that God blessed me with. It means that people around me can be stupid and annoying and I don't have to carry that weight as my own. Could it be that I am becoming the girl who is confident enough to let the world rage around me and not lose myself to someone else's spewing rot and decay? Hope so. I heard recently that God will put us in situations that will test and try our will to endure so that when we're in the place where it really counts we can stand. I'm counting on that. It's adding to my arsenal against the Dark Side.

This was a tough barrel scraping for me. I'd like to not learn this lesson twice. Pride is a maggot in my fudge sundae and I don't like it. It made me ugly and angry, and I know that anger is a mask that breeds disaster so I had no choice but to face it and fight it and not give in to how incredibly satisfying and few left hooks with an engagement ring would have felt. Bravo for me; I only fantasized about it and didn't do it. Oh sweet mercy, I was close though. But being cruel is just a measure of how far we can fall. Not worth it. Not when you see Jesus standing there.

Funny how well God knows us. El Shaddai - God Almighty enough to save me and stick with me, protect and forgive me, guide me and teach me truth.

the furious longing of God by Brennan Manning
communitybiblechurch.ws  March 20, 2011 message by Pastor Mike Kriesel

Upon This Rock...I Sit

Have you ever looked around to find that you're in one of those hurry up and wait situations. It truly is a precious place to be. For someone who would love to be a perpetual student, you'd think I'd appreciate this learning season a little more. I don't. I don't because I'm not automatically a still person by nature. I've really been working on it, but I thought (hoped, but knew better) that it would be a one time thing and we'd move on. Nah. I'm pretty sure this still business is on-going and that God has strategically placed certain things in my life to keep bringing me back to the rock...upon which I sit...stilly...and wait.

But in the waiting there is much to do. I'm so close to being certifiable. I'm aware of this. It's fun. We laugh a lot, Jeremy and I, so we must be okay. In the waiting, we do things like talk about what we would tell someone who said they only had 10 minutes a day to pray and wondered how to best spend that time. Then we look at each other and laugh because neither answer is how we spend our prayer time. So we try to take our own advice.

That's really quite scary. Taking your own advice. What if it doesn't work? On one hand it's better you find out that you're dumb quietly, behind closed doors. On the other, we're here...just us...in charge of all this. We better be right.

We also grapple with this underlying current of doubt and fear that God won't be God in the really big things - like paying our bills, keeping our kids safe and healthy in the middle of spiritual battles and making this enormous vision take hold and shake the foundations of Burlington. Why can I trust God for some things and not others? I do not know.

This post was actually a draft that I started months ago and couldn't finish. I'm finishing it now because I'm proud of myself and Jeremy and God - it's amazing how much I appreciate them both as I learn and grow - and how far we've come together.

We're still a lot the same as we were when I started this. But we're also a lot different, better, more relaxed, more focused, more trusting, more tried and true, more vicious for the vision of Stand and Apostrophe, more loving, our gentleness is more evident, our passion is more contagious, our ideas are more tangible.

We are planning the launch of Stand. We are talking dollars and cents (more dollars than cents) about the opening of Apostrophe. Life and the dream and our relationship with God are making forward progress. I don't feel like God's the cool kid in class I wish I could hang out with. I feel like I'm wearing His ring.

Snow Boots & Musical Cards

It's the joy of life to be loud. I'm one of those people who likes noise. I don't hate the annoying toys - except for one. You know who you are little bug; you know who you are. I don't mind playfully screaming kids. I prefer loud music.

Not always. I'm not mental. I'd love a date with Silence...me, you and a diet Sprite. Ahh!

There are, however, two sounds that are defining my life right now. The first comes from those cards that play music when you open them. The girls each got one for Christmas two years ago and we are still listening to Frosty the Snowman and Linus as he tells Charlie Brown the real meaning of Christmas.

This year Grammy was a dear and passed along Pap's birthday card and a Christmas card. The birthday card plays...wait for it...the M.C. Hammer classic, Can't Touch This nananana nana nana can't touch this. I showed the girls how to do the Hammer dance. Yes I can do it. And now that's what they want to see when they open it. They want to go in the kitchen and break it down. nananana nana nana So we do. I consider it exercise. And fun. And noisy. But we're making memories and that's what being two is all about: making memories that will solidify their opinion of me in the teen years, and building my arsenal for when they express their opinion of me in the teen years.

It's the Christmas card that gets me. It plays Silent Night. Zoe loves it and sits listening with her little head cocked to the side but only when she can make it past the first note, which she hates. So most often she opens it just long enough to hear the first high pitched, no-one-should-ever-sing-like-that note, Siii... Close the card. Repeat. Siii... Close the card. Repeat. SIIIII... CLOSE THE CARD. REPEAT. I keep telling her that it won't change. She doesn't listen. Siii...

I know I could throw it away. There's something sickeningly funny about it though that keeps it around. Like the Doritos Super Bowl commercial where the guy licks the Doritos dust off other guy's finger...sick! Made my toes curl it was so gross. But I laughed hysterically and hoped it would come on again.

The second is snow boots. They change a person. They are like brakes for the world. Here's the song of the snow boot: While they're warm and toasty and absolutely necessary, they are also big and clunky and like armor around your ankles. People who normally walk at a reasonable pace are reduced to a slower than slow plod when they pull on the boots.

The stores are full of them - folks who, although they'd like to, can not bend their ankles or lift their weighted feet quick enough to walk. So on we shuffle. On we plod. Thunk, Donk. Thunk, Donk. Toe, Heel. Plod. Plod.  

Those are the sounds of winter. The challenge will be to break it down in my boots...nananana nana nana

How Do You Spell Jesus Loves Me? N-A-P

Stay At Home Mom! That's me.

We woke up to -22 degrees last week. That's crazy. We live in America...I don't know what that means, but -22 seems like a netherworld temperature to me. My father-in-law has said that the Mason Dixon Line is just below Vermont. I now understand. Please don't talk to me about your teen degrees winter, southern states of Pennsylvania and Ohio. I don't want to hear it! lol

So -22. What do you do on a day that cold. I'll tell you what you don't do. You don't go anywhere near outside. So the girls and I settled in for a day of trying to stay warm and praying the power didn't go out. Jeremy did go outside and all the way to Northfield to mold the minds at Norwich.

That day was, for some reason, the first time I stepped back to realize that 'home' is now my job. And I have become my former self's worst nightmare. Someone asked for more specifics on what planting a church is like. This just about sums it up -- You will become your worst nightmare version of yourself...and love it...once you're there. You'll hate the getting there. But like every single thing God does, you'll not change a second of it once you've seen even a glimpse of where you're going and who you're becoming and what you're now capable of. What can I say? I'm laughing at you if you're new to the process. I'm in awe of you if you're a veteran. I will not pray that your road may be easier. You'll be too soft. I will, however, celebrate that you were chosen. It's an honor. God will use you in ways you've never even dared to dream. You'll be humbled when you speak about the vision God shared privately with you, the vision that becomes your reality and overtakes every part of your life until you're swimming in it. You'll be humbled because it's just your little old life but it somehow pounds on someone's heart and becomes a lamp to their feet on a path they didn't realize they were on before you started talking.

I can only speak to my experiences. And they are this: According to me, God chose the worst possible time to move us across the country and hand over this plan. It was rude, in my opinion. I had too much going on in my wee brain already and this church planting was more than I'd want to deal with on a non-issue laden day. I didn't like anything about anything. I missed my friends. I missed the sun. I missed my job. I did not miss 120 degrees, but I said I did just to be spiteful. God's only words in a season of silence were Be still. And still I have been. I hated still. He eliminated my distractions. Called out my fears. Laid bare every thread of me. And when I say 'bare', I mean 'bare'.

And then... dried the tears as I cried them. Met me in the spaces once filled by my well-placed distractions. Showed me how to talk to Him, really talk to Him so that nothing is shallow between me and my God anymore. I've lost the capacity to pretend and it is AMAZING to be free of it. I have the emotional ability to be so in love with my husband. It's like honeymoon ga-ga love. grr baby! Fear no longer has a permanent residence in me, and that alone has made me capable of unimaginable possibilities. I am coming in line with the power of God that is mine to use for Him. I like me. I'm stronger. I'm happy...like, really happy. God didn't have to replace what I felt I lost - friends, living in a cool place, security, support... I didn't lose anything; I gained all that He had waiting for me. I could go on like this for quite awhile.

The point is this, church planting fans and friends, so far in this adventure church planting has been about rewiring me. It has sucked the life out of me. Not fun. But the life beginning to course back through me is oh so much better than the one I was clinging so tightly to. It was forcing the old to be ripped out of my hands that hurt. Had I just had the face-to-face, look-into-my-eyes-and-know-that-I-am-God faith to let it go in the first place this ride would not have bounced me off so many rocks and sharp points. But, had I not been bounced around perhaps I wouldn't have the faith to take the steps ahead to plant Stand and open Apostrophe. I don't know. I don't care. I wouldn't change a thing because I wouldn't change a thing about who I am today, including, but not limited to, being Stay At Home Mom (capitalized because I feel it more super heroish...my true calling).

And should I ever look past all the wonders listed above and doubt the love of God, He verifies it every day at 1:15 when my precious little two year olds lay down for their nap. Dear God, I love You. It's a perk of the job, people. Don't be a hater; not everyone can be their own worst nightmare.

Identify Yourself, Please

So funny how a moment can change you. The past 4 years have really been a lesson in how I view myself. Through my adult life, my identity has come from who I knew, where I lived, my job, my title, my paycheck, my clothes, my bod - that's a roller coaster ride from Heck!, who I'm married to, what he looks like, what he does, how much he makes... have mercy, that's exhausting.

I could preach a dang good message about finding your worth in God, but, let's face it, who practices what they preach? God has a hilarious way of changing that.

When we moved to Vermont we had no job, no title, little money, no winter clothes, and 10 extra pounds (Jeremy loves pie! Ha, I wish I was talking about him. Stinkin' boy metabolism). Have I covered all my criteria for self worth? Take that girl who is already in a reality tailspin and move her into a house with one mirror that doesn't show anything from the shoulders down. May not seem like much, but when you can't see yourself or how you look in what you're wearing it does something to you.

Suddenly my self image was all in my head. Dangerous place to be. lol. I always imagine myself in the best possible way. With nothing to contradict that, I started to feel pretty good about myself. Before long I was just being a me that I had one day hoped to be, but held at arms length for lots of now meaningless reasons. It changed me. Something as simple as not having a mirror gave me a break from my own criticism and let me just like being me. That let me believe that others might see me first and not the 10 pounds or no job, no title, no...

I looked at Zoe a minute before blogging this and watched her build a block tower. She was working so hard and lining things up so meticulously. I was so proud of her! So impressed with her mad skills. So in love with Jesus for making her strong and smart after such a tiny, weak beginning. And then she looked at me and asked, "Like it, Mommy?" "Sit on it?"

All her work was rewarded by my opinion which is high and cannot be lessened. Her next move would be determined by my response. Enter: God moment. His opinion of me is high and cannot be lessened. He'll advise my next move because He knows exactly what will happen and be best for me.

I'm now a little better at practicing what I preach.

One of Those Days

I've been saying that our life happens like the turning of a page. That's still so true, but yesterday that image got better.


If you've read even one blog you know that we've been living miraculously on support from churches and friends and God...probably not in that order. Jeremy has applied for at least 50 jobs and has had no response from 90% of them. He's been doing freelance writing; I've been subbing, but seriously... How have we made it this long?!


I know it's been God's timing and I know (NOW) that to plant a church you have to be rewired and shaken and your mind has to be bent and bent back and that you have to let go and surrender and get tough and become gentler, be kinder, love people, like people, trust, trust, trust... I've been angry and tired and helpless and superheroish (in my own mind at least) and it's all been for what's to come. That will tick a girl right off some days - to go through this for someone else. But then there's a day. Just one day where it all becomes a little clearer and much more confusing - but clearer and that's what makes the difference.


Yesterday was one of those days. Jeremy left in the late morning to accept an adjunct lecturer position at Norwich University in Northfield. Northfield is not Burlington. This was not in our proposal. We have not preached about this in churches as we fundraise. I don't know where Northfield is for crying out loud. BUT...


When he said this was the job, I remembered what it felt like to be at peace. The peace where everything is taken care of in your life for a minute. That's when God shared this new image for our life.


Yesterday was like opening a present. You don't know what's in the box you're holding, but you open it and it's yours. It's your life now. And it's just right. Everything's different, but somehow everything's on course. One day you thought it was going to go like this and now you have this new plan - new to you, not to the plan Creator - and it fits. It's so obviously what was coming next. Not surprising, but a total shocker! Isn't that just how God works?!


So we're going to Northfield.


This doesn't change the plan for Burlington. Doesn't change anything because God has had this moment worked out all along. 5 1/2 months of job searching was settled something like this...(check Jeremy's blog for the boy version...less emotional...) Last month, we spoke at Jeremy's parents' church and there was a lunch after. We sat with a guy who has known Jeremy for awhile. We were talking about this position at Norwich and the guy hands Jeremy a piece of paper with the University president's name on it. Turns out 20 some years ago God put a Christian man in this position and brought his good friend to Jeremy's parents' church. Jeremy's resume went from the president to the Chair of the English Department to the hiring committee. The interview wasn't an interview. Jeremy had the job before he even got there. The president said it was because of Jeremy's merit and divine intervention, not him that he got the job. The president told his secretary to be sure to put Jeremy on his calendar any time he needed to talk. She knew who he was when he got there yesterday. There's more... another possible job, a house story...check back in a few days.


We don't know what God has for us in Northfield at Norwich University. We can't see the connections to UVM. But He's had this all worked out from the beginning. Not my beginning, His. It's so fun to not be worried or anxious - probably why God said not to be either.


Philippians 4:5-7 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present you requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.


Like I said, yesterday was one of those days.
  

January 2011 Newsletter