So funny how a moment can change you. The past 4 years have really been a lesson in how I view myself. Through my adult life, my identity has come from who I knew, where I lived, my job, my title, my paycheck, my clothes, my bod - that's a roller coaster ride from Heck!, who I'm married to, what he looks like, what he does, how much he makes... have mercy, that's exhausting.
I could preach a dang good message about finding your worth in God, but, let's face it, who practices what they preach? God has a hilarious way of changing that.
When we moved to Vermont we had no job, no title, little money, no winter clothes, and 10 extra pounds (Jeremy loves pie! Ha, I wish I was talking about him. Stinkin' boy metabolism). Have I covered all my criteria for self worth? Take that girl who is already in a reality tailspin and move her into a house with one mirror that doesn't show anything from the shoulders down. May not seem like much, but when you can't see yourself or how you look in what you're wearing it does something to you.
Suddenly my self image was all in my head. Dangerous place to be. lol. I always imagine myself in the best possible way. With nothing to contradict that, I started to feel pretty good about myself. Before long I was just being a me that I had one day hoped to be, but held at arms length for lots of now meaningless reasons. It changed me. Something as simple as not having a mirror gave me a break from my own criticism and let me just like being me. That let me believe that others might see me first and not the 10 pounds or no job, no title, no...
I looked at Zoe a minute before blogging this and watched her build a block tower. She was working so hard and lining things up so meticulously. I was so proud of her! So impressed with her mad skills. So in love with Jesus for making her strong and smart after such a tiny, weak beginning. And then she looked at me and asked, "Like it, Mommy?" "Sit on it?"
All her work was rewarded by my opinion which is high and cannot be lessened. Her next move would be determined by my response. Enter: God moment. His opinion of me is high and cannot be lessened. He'll advise my next move because He knows exactly what will happen and be best for me.
I'm now a little better at practicing what I preach.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
One of Those Days
I've been saying that our life happens like the turning of a page. That's still so true, but yesterday that image got better.
If you've read even one blog you know that we've been living miraculously on support from churches and friends and God...probably not in that order. Jeremy has applied for at least 50 jobs and has had no response from 90% of them. He's been doing freelance writing; I've been subbing, but seriously... How have we made it this long?!
I know it's been God's timing and I know (NOW) that to plant a church you have to be rewired and shaken and your mind has to be bent and bent back and that you have to let go and surrender and get tough and become gentler, be kinder, love people, like people, trust, trust, trust... I've been angry and tired and helpless and superheroish (in my own mind at least) and it's all been for what's to come. That will tick a girl right off some days - to go through this for someone else. But then there's a day. Just one day where it all becomes a little clearer and much more confusing - but clearer and that's what makes the difference.
Yesterday was one of those days. Jeremy left in the late morning to accept an adjunct lecturer position at Norwich University in Northfield. Northfield is not Burlington. This was not in our proposal. We have not preached about this in churches as we fundraise. I don't know where Northfield is for crying out loud. BUT...
When he said this was the job, I remembered what it felt like to be at peace. The peace where everything is taken care of in your life for a minute. That's when God shared this new image for our life.
Yesterday was like opening a present. You don't know what's in the box you're holding, but you open it and it's yours. It's your life now. And it's just right. Everything's different, but somehow everything's on course. One day you thought it was going to go like this and now you have this new plan - new to you, not to the plan Creator - and it fits. It's so obviously what was coming next. Not surprising, but a total shocker! Isn't that just how God works?!
So we're going to Northfield.
This doesn't change the plan for Burlington. Doesn't change anything because God has had this moment worked out all along. 5 1/2 months of job searching was settled something like this...(check Jeremy's blog for the boy version...less emotional...) Last month, we spoke at Jeremy's parents' church and there was a lunch after. We sat with a guy who has known Jeremy for awhile. We were talking about this position at Norwich and the guy hands Jeremy a piece of paper with the University president's name on it. Turns out 20 some years ago God put a Christian man in this position and brought his good friend to Jeremy's parents' church. Jeremy's resume went from the president to the Chair of the English Department to the hiring committee. The interview wasn't an interview. Jeremy had the job before he even got there. The president said it was because of Jeremy's merit and divine intervention, not him that he got the job. The president told his secretary to be sure to put Jeremy on his calendar any time he needed to talk. She knew who he was when he got there yesterday. There's more... another possible job, a house story...check back in a few days.
We don't know what God has for us in Northfield at Norwich University. We can't see the connections to UVM. But He's had this all worked out from the beginning. Not my beginning, His. It's so fun to not be worried or anxious - probably why God said not to be either.
Philippians 4:5-7 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present you requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Like I said, yesterday was one of those days.
If you've read even one blog you know that we've been living miraculously on support from churches and friends and God...probably not in that order. Jeremy has applied for at least 50 jobs and has had no response from 90% of them. He's been doing freelance writing; I've been subbing, but seriously... How have we made it this long?!
I know it's been God's timing and I know (NOW) that to plant a church you have to be rewired and shaken and your mind has to be bent and bent back and that you have to let go and surrender and get tough and become gentler, be kinder, love people, like people, trust, trust, trust... I've been angry and tired and helpless and superheroish (in my own mind at least) and it's all been for what's to come. That will tick a girl right off some days - to go through this for someone else. But then there's a day. Just one day where it all becomes a little clearer and much more confusing - but clearer and that's what makes the difference.
Yesterday was one of those days. Jeremy left in the late morning to accept an adjunct lecturer position at Norwich University in Northfield. Northfield is not Burlington. This was not in our proposal. We have not preached about this in churches as we fundraise. I don't know where Northfield is for crying out loud. BUT...
When he said this was the job, I remembered what it felt like to be at peace. The peace where everything is taken care of in your life for a minute. That's when God shared this new image for our life.
Yesterday was like opening a present. You don't know what's in the box you're holding, but you open it and it's yours. It's your life now. And it's just right. Everything's different, but somehow everything's on course. One day you thought it was going to go like this and now you have this new plan - new to you, not to the plan Creator - and it fits. It's so obviously what was coming next. Not surprising, but a total shocker! Isn't that just how God works?!
So we're going to Northfield.
This doesn't change the plan for Burlington. Doesn't change anything because God has had this moment worked out all along. 5 1/2 months of job searching was settled something like this...(check Jeremy's blog for the boy version...less emotional...) Last month, we spoke at Jeremy's parents' church and there was a lunch after. We sat with a guy who has known Jeremy for awhile. We were talking about this position at Norwich and the guy hands Jeremy a piece of paper with the University president's name on it. Turns out 20 some years ago God put a Christian man in this position and brought his good friend to Jeremy's parents' church. Jeremy's resume went from the president to the Chair of the English Department to the hiring committee. The interview wasn't an interview. Jeremy had the job before he even got there. The president said it was because of Jeremy's merit and divine intervention, not him that he got the job. The president told his secretary to be sure to put Jeremy on his calendar any time he needed to talk. She knew who he was when he got there yesterday. There's more... another possible job, a house story...check back in a few days.
We don't know what God has for us in Northfield at Norwich University. We can't see the connections to UVM. But He's had this all worked out from the beginning. Not my beginning, His. It's so fun to not be worried or anxious - probably why God said not to be either.
Philippians 4:5-7 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present you requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Like I said, yesterday was one of those days.
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