Have you ever looked around to find that you're in one of those hurry up and wait situations. It truly is a precious place to be. For someone who would love to be a perpetual student, you'd think I'd appreciate this learning season a little more. I don't. I don't because I'm not automatically a still person by nature. I've really been working on it, but I thought (hoped, but knew better) that it would be a one time thing and we'd move on. Nah. I'm pretty sure this still business is on-going and that God has strategically placed certain things in my life to keep bringing me back to the rock...upon which I sit...stilly...and wait.
But in the waiting there is much to do. I'm so close to being certifiable. I'm aware of this. It's fun. We laugh a lot, Jeremy and I, so we must be okay. In the waiting, we do things like talk about what we would tell someone who said they only had 10 minutes a day to pray and wondered how to best spend that time. Then we look at each other and laugh because neither answer is how we spend our prayer time. So we try to take our own advice.
That's really quite scary. Taking your own advice. What if it doesn't work? On one hand it's better you find out that you're dumb quietly, behind closed doors. On the other, we're here...just us...in charge of all this. We better be right.
We also grapple with this underlying current of doubt and fear that God won't be God in the really big things - like paying our bills, keeping our kids safe and healthy in the middle of spiritual battles and making this enormous vision take hold and shake the foundations of Burlington. Why can I trust God for some things and not others? I do not know.
This post was actually a draft that I started months ago and couldn't finish. I'm finishing it now because I'm proud of myself and Jeremy and God - it's amazing how much I appreciate them both as I learn and grow - and how far we've come together.
We're still a lot the same as we were when I started this. But we're also a lot different, better, more relaxed, more focused, more trusting, more tried and true, more vicious for the vision of Stand and Apostrophe, more loving, our gentleness is more evident, our passion is more contagious, our ideas are more tangible.
We are planning the launch of Stand. We are talking dollars and cents (more dollars than cents) about the opening of Apostrophe. Life and the dream and our relationship with God are making forward progress. I don't feel like God's the cool kid in class I wish I could hang out with. I feel like I'm wearing His ring.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Snow Boots & Musical Cards
It's the joy of life to be loud. I'm one of those people who likes noise. I don't hate the annoying toys - except for one. You know who you are little bug; you know who you are. I don't mind playfully screaming kids. I prefer loud music.
Not always. I'm not mental. I'd love a date with Silence...me, you and a diet Sprite. Ahh!
There are, however, two sounds that are defining my life right now. The first comes from those cards that play music when you open them. The girls each got one for Christmas two years ago and we are still listening to Frosty the Snowman and Linus as he tells Charlie Brown the real meaning of Christmas.
This year Grammy was a dear and passed along Pap's birthday card and a Christmas card. The birthday card plays...wait for it...the M.C. Hammer classic, Can't Touch This nananana nana nana can't touch this. I showed the girls how to do the Hammer dance. Yes I can do it. And now that's what they want to see when they open it. They want to go in the kitchen and break it down. nananana nana nana So we do. I consider it exercise. And fun. And noisy. But we're making memories and that's what being two is all about: making memories that will solidify their opinion of me in the teen years, and building my arsenal for when they express their opinion of me in the teen years.
It's the Christmas card that gets me. It plays Silent Night. Zoe loves it and sits listening with her little head cocked to the side but only when she can make it past the first note, which she hates. So most often she opens it just long enough to hear the first high pitched, no-one-should-ever-sing-like-that note, Siii... Close the card. Repeat. Siii... Close the card. Repeat. SIIIII... CLOSE THE CARD. REPEAT. I keep telling her that it won't change. She doesn't listen. Siii...
I know I could throw it away. There's something sickeningly funny about it though that keeps it around. Like the Doritos Super Bowl commercial where the guy licks the Doritos dust off other guy's finger...sick! Made my toes curl it was so gross. But I laughed hysterically and hoped it would come on again.
The second is snow boots. They change a person. They are like brakes for the world. Here's the song of the snow boot: While they're warm and toasty and absolutely necessary, they are also big and clunky and like armor around your ankles. People who normally walk at a reasonable pace are reduced to a slower than slow plod when they pull on the boots.
The stores are full of them - folks who, although they'd like to, can not bend their ankles or lift their weighted feet quick enough to walk. So on we shuffle. On we plod. Thunk, Donk. Thunk, Donk. Toe, Heel. Plod. Plod.
Those are the sounds of winter. The challenge will be to break it down in my boots...nananana nana nana
Not always. I'm not mental. I'd love a date with Silence...me, you and a diet Sprite. Ahh!
There are, however, two sounds that are defining my life right now. The first comes from those cards that play music when you open them. The girls each got one for Christmas two years ago and we are still listening to Frosty the Snowman and Linus as he tells Charlie Brown the real meaning of Christmas.
This year Grammy was a dear and passed along Pap's birthday card and a Christmas card. The birthday card plays...wait for it...the M.C. Hammer classic, Can't Touch This nananana nana nana can't touch this. I showed the girls how to do the Hammer dance. Yes I can do it. And now that's what they want to see when they open it. They want to go in the kitchen and break it down. nananana nana nana So we do. I consider it exercise. And fun. And noisy. But we're making memories and that's what being two is all about: making memories that will solidify their opinion of me in the teen years, and building my arsenal for when they express their opinion of me in the teen years.
It's the Christmas card that gets me. It plays Silent Night. Zoe loves it and sits listening with her little head cocked to the side but only when she can make it past the first note, which she hates. So most often she opens it just long enough to hear the first high pitched, no-one-should-ever-sing-like-that note, Siii... Close the card. Repeat. Siii... Close the card. Repeat. SIIIII... CLOSE THE CARD. REPEAT. I keep telling her that it won't change. She doesn't listen. Siii...
I know I could throw it away. There's something sickeningly funny about it though that keeps it around. Like the Doritos Super Bowl commercial where the guy licks the Doritos dust off other guy's finger...sick! Made my toes curl it was so gross. But I laughed hysterically and hoped it would come on again.
The second is snow boots. They change a person. They are like brakes for the world. Here's the song of the snow boot: While they're warm and toasty and absolutely necessary, they are also big and clunky and like armor around your ankles. People who normally walk at a reasonable pace are reduced to a slower than slow plod when they pull on the boots.
The stores are full of them - folks who, although they'd like to, can not bend their ankles or lift their weighted feet quick enough to walk. So on we shuffle. On we plod. Thunk, Donk. Thunk, Donk. Toe, Heel. Plod. Plod.
Those are the sounds of winter. The challenge will be to break it down in my boots...nananana nana nana
Saturday, February 5, 2011
How Do You Spell Jesus Loves Me? N-A-P
Stay At Home Mom! That's me.
We woke up to -22 degrees last week. That's crazy. We live in America...I don't know what that means, but -22 seems like a netherworld temperature to me. My father-in-law has said that the Mason Dixon Line is just below Vermont. I now understand. Please don't talk to me about your teen degrees winter, southern states of Pennsylvania and Ohio. I don't want to hear it! lol
So -22. What do you do on a day that cold. I'll tell you what you don't do. You don't go anywhere near outside. So the girls and I settled in for a day of trying to stay warm and praying the power didn't go out. Jeremy did go outside and all the way to Northfield to mold the minds at Norwich.
That day was, for some reason, the first time I stepped back to realize that 'home' is now my job. And I have become my former self's worst nightmare. Someone asked for more specifics on what planting a church is like. This just about sums it up -- You will become your worst nightmare version of yourself...and love it...once you're there. You'll hate the getting there. But like every single thing God does, you'll not change a second of it once you've seen even a glimpse of where you're going and who you're becoming and what you're now capable of. What can I say? I'm laughing at you if you're new to the process. I'm in awe of you if you're a veteran. I will not pray that your road may be easier. You'll be too soft. I will, however, celebrate that you were chosen. It's an honor. God will use you in ways you've never even dared to dream. You'll be humbled when you speak about the vision God shared privately with you, the vision that becomes your reality and overtakes every part of your life until you're swimming in it. You'll be humbled because it's just your little old life but it somehow pounds on someone's heart and becomes a lamp to their feet on a path they didn't realize they were on before you started talking.
I can only speak to my experiences. And they are this: According to me, God chose the worst possible time to move us across the country and hand over this plan. It was rude, in my opinion. I had too much going on in my wee brain already and this church planting was more than I'd want to deal with on a non-issue laden day. I didn't like anything about anything. I missed my friends. I missed the sun. I missed my job. I did not miss 120 degrees, but I said I did just to be spiteful. God's only words in a season of silence were Be still. And still I have been. I hated still. He eliminated my distractions. Called out my fears. Laid bare every thread of me. And when I say 'bare', I mean 'bare'.
And then... dried the tears as I cried them. Met me in the spaces once filled by my well-placed distractions. Showed me how to talk to Him, really talk to Him so that nothing is shallow between me and my God anymore. I've lost the capacity to pretend and it is AMAZING to be free of it. I have the emotional ability to be so in love with my husband. It's like honeymoon ga-ga love. grr baby! Fear no longer has a permanent residence in me, and that alone has made me capable of unimaginable possibilities. I am coming in line with the power of God that is mine to use for Him. I like me. I'm stronger. I'm happy...like, really happy. God didn't have to replace what I felt I lost - friends, living in a cool place, security, support... I didn't lose anything; I gained all that He had waiting for me. I could go on like this for quite awhile.
The point is this, church planting fans and friends, so far in this adventure church planting has been about rewiring me. It has sucked the life out of me. Not fun. But the life beginning to course back through me is oh so much better than the one I was clinging so tightly to. It was forcing the old to be ripped out of my hands that hurt. Had I just had the face-to-face, look-into-my-eyes-and-know-that-I-am-God faith to let it go in the first place this ride would not have bounced me off so many rocks and sharp points. But, had I not been bounced around perhaps I wouldn't have the faith to take the steps ahead to plant Stand and open Apostrophe. I don't know. I don't care. I wouldn't change a thing because I wouldn't change a thing about who I am today, including, but not limited to, being Stay At Home Mom (capitalized because I feel it more super heroish...my true calling).
And should I ever look past all the wonders listed above and doubt the love of God, He verifies it every day at 1:15 when my precious little two year olds lay down for their nap. Dear God, I love You. It's a perk of the job, people. Don't be a hater; not everyone can be their own worst nightmare.
We woke up to -22 degrees last week. That's crazy. We live in America...I don't know what that means, but -22 seems like a netherworld temperature to me. My father-in-law has said that the Mason Dixon Line is just below Vermont. I now understand. Please don't talk to me about your teen degrees winter, southern states of Pennsylvania and Ohio. I don't want to hear it! lol
So -22. What do you do on a day that cold. I'll tell you what you don't do. You don't go anywhere near outside. So the girls and I settled in for a day of trying to stay warm and praying the power didn't go out. Jeremy did go outside and all the way to Northfield to mold the minds at Norwich.
That day was, for some reason, the first time I stepped back to realize that 'home' is now my job. And I have become my former self's worst nightmare. Someone asked for more specifics on what planting a church is like. This just about sums it up -- You will become your worst nightmare version of yourself...and love it...once you're there. You'll hate the getting there. But like every single thing God does, you'll not change a second of it once you've seen even a glimpse of where you're going and who you're becoming and what you're now capable of. What can I say? I'm laughing at you if you're new to the process. I'm in awe of you if you're a veteran. I will not pray that your road may be easier. You'll be too soft. I will, however, celebrate that you were chosen. It's an honor. God will use you in ways you've never even dared to dream. You'll be humbled when you speak about the vision God shared privately with you, the vision that becomes your reality and overtakes every part of your life until you're swimming in it. You'll be humbled because it's just your little old life but it somehow pounds on someone's heart and becomes a lamp to their feet on a path they didn't realize they were on before you started talking.
I can only speak to my experiences. And they are this: According to me, God chose the worst possible time to move us across the country and hand over this plan. It was rude, in my opinion. I had too much going on in my wee brain already and this church planting was more than I'd want to deal with on a non-issue laden day. I didn't like anything about anything. I missed my friends. I missed the sun. I missed my job. I did not miss 120 degrees, but I said I did just to be spiteful. God's only words in a season of silence were Be still. And still I have been. I hated still. He eliminated my distractions. Called out my fears. Laid bare every thread of me. And when I say 'bare', I mean 'bare'.
And then... dried the tears as I cried them. Met me in the spaces once filled by my well-placed distractions. Showed me how to talk to Him, really talk to Him so that nothing is shallow between me and my God anymore. I've lost the capacity to pretend and it is AMAZING to be free of it. I have the emotional ability to be so in love with my husband. It's like honeymoon ga-ga love. grr baby! Fear no longer has a permanent residence in me, and that alone has made me capable of unimaginable possibilities. I am coming in line with the power of God that is mine to use for Him. I like me. I'm stronger. I'm happy...like, really happy. God didn't have to replace what I felt I lost - friends, living in a cool place, security, support... I didn't lose anything; I gained all that He had waiting for me. I could go on like this for quite awhile.
The point is this, church planting fans and friends, so far in this adventure church planting has been about rewiring me. It has sucked the life out of me. Not fun. But the life beginning to course back through me is oh so much better than the one I was clinging so tightly to. It was forcing the old to be ripped out of my hands that hurt. Had I just had the face-to-face, look-into-my-eyes-and-know-that-I-am-God faith to let it go in the first place this ride would not have bounced me off so many rocks and sharp points. But, had I not been bounced around perhaps I wouldn't have the faith to take the steps ahead to plant Stand and open Apostrophe. I don't know. I don't care. I wouldn't change a thing because I wouldn't change a thing about who I am today, including, but not limited to, being Stay At Home Mom (capitalized because I feel it more super heroish...my true calling).
And should I ever look past all the wonders listed above and doubt the love of God, He verifies it every day at 1:15 when my precious little two year olds lay down for their nap. Dear God, I love You. It's a perk of the job, people. Don't be a hater; not everyone can be their own worst nightmare.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)