How Do You Spell Jesus Loves Me? N-A-P

Stay At Home Mom! That's me.

We woke up to -22 degrees last week. That's crazy. We live in America...I don't know what that means, but -22 seems like a netherworld temperature to me. My father-in-law has said that the Mason Dixon Line is just below Vermont. I now understand. Please don't talk to me about your teen degrees winter, southern states of Pennsylvania and Ohio. I don't want to hear it! lol

So -22. What do you do on a day that cold. I'll tell you what you don't do. You don't go anywhere near outside. So the girls and I settled in for a day of trying to stay warm and praying the power didn't go out. Jeremy did go outside and all the way to Northfield to mold the minds at Norwich.

That day was, for some reason, the first time I stepped back to realize that 'home' is now my job. And I have become my former self's worst nightmare. Someone asked for more specifics on what planting a church is like. This just about sums it up -- You will become your worst nightmare version of yourself...and love it...once you're there. You'll hate the getting there. But like every single thing God does, you'll not change a second of it once you've seen even a glimpse of where you're going and who you're becoming and what you're now capable of. What can I say? I'm laughing at you if you're new to the process. I'm in awe of you if you're a veteran. I will not pray that your road may be easier. You'll be too soft. I will, however, celebrate that you were chosen. It's an honor. God will use you in ways you've never even dared to dream. You'll be humbled when you speak about the vision God shared privately with you, the vision that becomes your reality and overtakes every part of your life until you're swimming in it. You'll be humbled because it's just your little old life but it somehow pounds on someone's heart and becomes a lamp to their feet on a path they didn't realize they were on before you started talking.

I can only speak to my experiences. And they are this: According to me, God chose the worst possible time to move us across the country and hand over this plan. It was rude, in my opinion. I had too much going on in my wee brain already and this church planting was more than I'd want to deal with on a non-issue laden day. I didn't like anything about anything. I missed my friends. I missed the sun. I missed my job. I did not miss 120 degrees, but I said I did just to be spiteful. God's only words in a season of silence were Be still. And still I have been. I hated still. He eliminated my distractions. Called out my fears. Laid bare every thread of me. And when I say 'bare', I mean 'bare'.

And then... dried the tears as I cried them. Met me in the spaces once filled by my well-placed distractions. Showed me how to talk to Him, really talk to Him so that nothing is shallow between me and my God anymore. I've lost the capacity to pretend and it is AMAZING to be free of it. I have the emotional ability to be so in love with my husband. It's like honeymoon ga-ga love. grr baby! Fear no longer has a permanent residence in me, and that alone has made me capable of unimaginable possibilities. I am coming in line with the power of God that is mine to use for Him. I like me. I'm stronger. I'm happy...like, really happy. God didn't have to replace what I felt I lost - friends, living in a cool place, security, support... I didn't lose anything; I gained all that He had waiting for me. I could go on like this for quite awhile.

The point is this, church planting fans and friends, so far in this adventure church planting has been about rewiring me. It has sucked the life out of me. Not fun. But the life beginning to course back through me is oh so much better than the one I was clinging so tightly to. It was forcing the old to be ripped out of my hands that hurt. Had I just had the face-to-face, look-into-my-eyes-and-know-that-I-am-God faith to let it go in the first place this ride would not have bounced me off so many rocks and sharp points. But, had I not been bounced around perhaps I wouldn't have the faith to take the steps ahead to plant Stand and open Apostrophe. I don't know. I don't care. I wouldn't change a thing because I wouldn't change a thing about who I am today, including, but not limited to, being Stay At Home Mom (capitalized because I feel it more super heroish...my true calling).

And should I ever look past all the wonders listed above and doubt the love of God, He verifies it every day at 1:15 when my precious little two year olds lay down for their nap. Dear God, I love You. It's a perk of the job, people. Don't be a hater; not everyone can be their own worst nightmare.