I just love you...that's all

I'm sitting alone (which is a rare thing) in my room trying to soak in and commit to memory this day spent with Jesus. It's a pretty marvelous moment. So much so that I have to sort it out and put words to some of what is etching itself on my brain and my soul. I love my little blog place in the universe...

My fantastic husband watched the girls today while I continued to put all the pieces of women's retreat into cohesive messages. So I sat nested on our bed and let God pour out His astonishingly, extravagant love on the pages of my fading PC. I hear you calling, Mac!

In the background I heard the squeals and laughter of our girls as they played with Daddy. Then I heard Daddy coming up the stairs...in retreat from the squeals? No, he was looking for ways to dress the girls up like ladybugs because their wings are still packed away in a box somewhere. We dug through a box of coats and found two red and black puffy vests - don't mock, we live in Vermont! - and a pile of old, boa-like scarves. A far...far cry from a ladybug but the offspring loved them and they squealed and laughed and flapped their boa wings and danced around the living room.

Then it was quiet for awhile and I was lost again in God's brilliance and in how creatively He expresses His grace. The messages were all coming together and I was so taken by His love and how deep it runs for us.

Then I heard Jeremy ask the girls if they were ready to put on their rubber boots and go exploring. They were! They talked about the mud puddles, how cold it was, if Frosty was still melted, "Can I put my hood up?" "You hold my hand, Dad?" They went on and on as he got them both dressed and out the door - no small task.

I know these aren't the moments Hollywood is after, but for me they were the backdrop to this amazing day between me and God.

God's been keeping me still since we got here. Somewhere in that stillness I got a soul makeover. I'm looking at this reflection of me and it's not what I once saw.

Life is harder than it's ever been in some ways and much simpler in others - I think that's called living. And I think it's how we become bold and crazy and gentle and fragile and strong and a whole mixed up wonderful mess of things that each belong to us.

I spent a long time today trusting God with one of the most fragile parts of me. A part that I don't allow others to handle for fear that it might get broken again. Broken hurts. Except with God. I found that out today. He turned that one thing that I protect with silence and it caught the light just so and suddenly it wasn't so fragile any more. In fact, we tossed it around and I went out for a long pass a few times even though I'm not very good at catching. I showed it off to the women at the retreat - well, I typed it out as part of a message. That was hard. Really hard. It got fragile again real fast. But then God did that thing where He makes it look much different in His hands than it did in mine. So it's in there. To be said out loud to women I don't know so well. What will they think of me?

You want to know what it is, don't you? It doesn't matter as much as knowing that while it can linger in the background of my reflection when I see myself, it doesn't exist in God's mirror. It's not anything more than my story, my weapon to wield. He loves me that much. That's one powerful cross. One powerful love.

It's saturating me, making permanent marks on my soul, this love that makes me more than a sum of my choices. I sat nestled in it all day. I heard it in my kids and husband as they played. I felt it when I read an email from my beautiful sister who loves like no other human can. I understood it a little more as I realized all the little and big things that make me who I am are okay by God even if they don't match up with everyone in my life.

It's been a wonderful day with you, Jesus. I don't want to forget when tomorrow gets hard. Right now I'm trying to soak in as much as I can to help me remember. I'm so glad you can listen to my heart. I just love you so much...that's all.

My Resignation

Good times in the life of me this week!

It's Saturday morning and I'm getting ready to go to hear Abi Cyr, a church planter in New England, speak at a women's retreat. I'm thinking about how I'm ready to finally grace God with my willingness to live in Vermont and actually be a Vermonter. That's a biggie for me. But I'm ready. Cue the strings and woodwinds. Grand moment of humble(??)submission is about to begin.

Praise God for His mercy and love for this sinner!

Somewhere in the midst of my nonsense, which is the honest best I have to offer some days, I had one of those "conversations" with God where He downloads a new version of me and I suddenly have a new truth to operate from. It seems like there should have been words spoken, but He's God and He spares Himself from my end of the conversation. So it just happened.

It went something like this...

Melanie: "I don't think I want to be a college pastor. I still like teenagers better. I didn't leave youth ministry by choice. You took me out a back door at night in the dark and I thought we were going for ice cream."

God: "You used to minister to your passion (youth). Now you'll minister to what grieved you most about that passion (losing them in college).

Melanie: ...something like a stunned silence with vague undertones of that "Der" sound you make when you get what you're hearing and find it to be so far beyond what you would have come up with...

God: "And so you don't find yourself in another season of grieving, I'm going to involve you in women's ministry so your college girls don't get lost after graduation."

Again with that stunned silence thing. The download was already complete. The deal was done.

I found myself fighting the urge to be a baby and whine at God for tricking me good...again! Truth be told, I'm learning to be proud of these moments when life seems to have turned a sharp corner down Sucky Drive. I made the choice to obey God and follow Him here - long before here was a college church planter in Vermont.

I'm starting to see that the road is not a punishment but a love pat, that feels like a baseball bat at times, to lead me toward the vision I long for and away from the disaster and heartache that would come from being ill-equipped, soft and unaware had I arrived via the "easy" road.

So, even though I haven't been in youth ministry for over 3 years now, I officially, in my heart, resigned my position as a youth pastor and accepted my role as a college pastor...and women's ministry involvee. I also officially, in my heart, became a resident of the fine state of Vermont, mud and all.

Off I went to the retreat.

Fast forward 5.5 hours to the end of the retreat. Our women's ministry director for Northern New England asked me if I would be the spring retreat speaker and travel throughout our district to share Jesus with the wonderful women.

...something like a stunned silence with vague undertones...

Not really, I love to talk about Jesus. I said yes before she finished asking. But still. Jesus is the lover of my soul, my safe place to resign one passion and immediately replace it with two more.

My favorite lessons are the ones that teach me that He can be trusted because there is no wickedness in him. Psalm 92  He can't trick me, ditch me, abuse me, unlike or unlove me. He can't call me and leave me unable to do what He's called me to do. He can't forget about me. No plan goes unnoticed by Him. He can't give me anything less than His very best. He can't leave me without enough finances, food, shelter or clothing (wahoo!). He can't leave me in an unsafe place. He can't leave me with no friends or not enough vision to carry me through. He is my beginning and my end; I am destined to flourish.

Moses. Not Just for OT Survey Anymore!

So here's one for the church planters and anyone called to start a new thing for the Lord. It's a good one because you will most definitely find yourself in a few seasons of discouragement due to extreme waiting ...and waiting ...and opposition of all sorts from those who should know better and be grateful for your sacrifice. chuckle chuckle snort You'll feel certain that what you toil and labor over (mostly in your mind and prayers at the beginning) amounts to nothing to your supporters and critics alike. And you'll be tempted to doubt your awesomeness and take a ride on the Fear Train. Don't. At least not until you consider Moses.

Moses. God love him. He was precious.

He had a go of it as a leader.

He was chosen and set up quite nicely with that whole basket in the Nile op to complete his calling. He botched it by killing a guy.

He gets another chance but cries about his ability to do what God's telling him to do through a burning bush... Have I prayed for a burning bush set of instructions? Yes, I have. Have I received them? No, I have not. I'm just saying, Mo...

He finally gets an Associate Pastor in charge of community relations and he's not so well received by the big guy in charge of his target demographic. Bummer. He fights on. Things get much worse. He's misunderstood and unappreciated. If at first you don't succeed... He gets his people and God shows up in big ways just to say, "Hey! I got your back on this one. Let's go!"

His people grumble. A lot. So much so that he loses his temper. Repeatedly. And spends most of his free time settling their disputes over...the flakes? ...the sand?

Not much to show for his extreme call that was going to change the world. I'll bet he didn't look in the mirror every morning and pray for humility while he fielded offers to write a book and speak at How to Set Your People Free conferences. My guess is he wondered often why the heck he left his family for this! I'll bet he was glad they were in the desert where no one could see what a disaster his "church" had become. I mean, sure, there were miracles and confirmations but a few of those can only go so far. Right?

Then we get to Exodus 18. The church planter's/ new thing starter's Perspective Chapter.
18:1 Moses' father-in-law, Jethro, heard about everything God had done for Moses and his people. He heard especially about how God had rescued them from Egypt. v5 Jethro came to visit Moses in the wilderness. He brought Moses' wife and two sons with him. v8 ff Moses told his father-in-law everything the Lord had done to Pharaoh and Egypt on behalf of Israel. He also told him about the hardships they had experienced along the way and how the Lord had rescued his people from their troubles. Jethro was delighted when he heard about all the good things the Lord had done.

"Praise the Lord," Jethro said, "for he has rescued you from the Egyptians and from Pharaoh. I now know that the Lord is greater than all other gods, because he rescued his people from the oppression of the proud Egyptians."

Then Jethro brought a burnt offering and sacrifices to God. Aaron and all the elders of Israel came out and joined him in a sacrificial meal in God's presence.

The next day, Moses took his seat to hear the people's disputes. Jethro asked, "What are you really accomplishing here? Why are you trying to do all this alone?"

Moses replied, "Because these people are a giant pain in my donkey!"

"This is not good," Jethro exclaimed. And he proceeded to give Moses the advice that changed his strategy, empowered his small group leaders, and made him available to answer when God called him up to the mountain to meet with him and get those stone tablets we still use today.  A pretty stellar moment for a lame church planter/new thing starter, if you ask me.

So here it is. Moses would not have planned Exodus the way it happened. Not at all. Moses was tired, frustrated, angry, lonely and generally weary of his call. But he had a long term vision and he knew that he knew that God had told him to do this thing.

Some days all you can do is put one foot on the ground and pray for God to shove the rest of you out of bed. So he did.

And along came Jethro. Into the wilderness. Wife and kids in tow! He was inspired by Moses' miserable experience to the point of saying, "I know now that the Lord is greater than all other gods." Why? Because Moses had been through things most people wouldn't dream of even considering and he was still standing, telling the tale.

If Moses hadn't pressed on through all the junk, he'd have had no testimony to bring Jethro to the realization of who God is and would be in his own life. Need I say, that's the only reason we do this!

Now the good stuff happens! Jethro blesses and encourages Moses and his staff, gets involved, starts using his gifts to further the Kingdom and helps Moses get ready for what comes next. That's church, people! That's the church at its finest! Showing people who our God is and letting them get involved in the awesome mess...I mean awesomeness with us!

So be of good cheer...what's that mean?? Get happy for your circumstances. For the choices you made to get you here - even when here is a miserable place surrounded by miserable people. We're church planters! We ain't afraid... well... we aren't quitters.

We're living someone's salvation message. When they tell how they came to be convinced the the Lord is greater than all other gods, you will be mentioned by name and miserable struggle! Perspective is a wonderful thing.

To further prove this, I offer our most exciting update yet...
We are getting ready for pre-launch services to begin in late May! We will officially launch weekly services at Stand church this August when our students come back for fall term!

We have been encouraged and blessed by strangers and friends who simply listened to our story and, when it seemed to amount to nothing to us, they were convinced that our God is greater and worth their time, prayers, talents and dollars.

This is another beginning. Another middle. Another end to our story. I love how big God is!

Ode to Mud Season

To the tune of "Hello Mother, Hello Father". Enjoy!

Hello Mud and
Hello Water.
I don't love you;
You're a bother.
Grab my tires
Send me sliding.
So I'm stuck here in the house until I'm crying.

Ruts and potholes
Getting wider.
Dog fell in one,
Now we can't find her.
Teeth are chipping,
The ride gets rougher.
Look behind us, Dear, I think that is our muffler!

Musical interlude...


Frost heaves tore up
All the pavement.
Now we don't know
Where our wheel went.
Oh please VTrans
Won't you help me?
That bump shattered all our windows now we can't see.

My truck's dirty.
So's my jacket.
Don't know how long
I can hack it!
Sun, if you're waiting
For a reason
To come could it be to save me from Mud Season!?