Burnt Cheese

Life is... a craving satisfied. Enhanced when you didn't even realize that's what you were craving until you got it. It's that delicious moment when God whomps into the deep-calls-to-deep spot in the center of your soul. I love that spot. It's so... satisfying.

He came to breakfast. Grilled cheese. Who wouldn't?

I'm cooking and Sara Bareilles is singing Brave compliments of my friend Sherra who makes me better. Brave's playing on a fb page so I'm looking at the faces of my Stand girls and my heart is working to contain what those faces do to me, how they fill my world to overflowing.

My head is still trying to process the emotion of watching our Joeie-ellie walk down the aisle to a boy who loves Jesus more than he loves her. And all our girls, who were in Jr. High ten minutes ago, were there, some wearing rings from other boys who love Jesus, all of them searching for Him in every space of their lives. Those girls wreck me. How can I love them so much?

There's a picture of Samantha training to be a soldier, which is fitting because I don't know many who are willing to stand in battle like she does.

My world tightens to just the space my computer fills, my cheeks are drowning, my heart is dense with all the emotion and hope and love these women bring to my life. I feel like me and Jesus are having this beautiful moment. Until. I smell burnt cheese. Dang it.

Whomp.

 Whomp such an absolutely accurate way to describe God's entrance in those super personal moments that confirm I'm His. He doesn't crash in; He loves me too much. He doesn't sneak in; He's too sure of Himself for that. He whomps. It's graceful and gentle and consuming. Only a Creator could connect with His creation this way.

Can't say you've felt that connection? Can't remember it? It's there. Take another grip with tired hands. Take another, or a first, look beyond where and who you are. It's not-so-simple and so simple all at the same time.

...back to it cause now I'm a bit ticked. My breakfast is burning.

But there's that lingering whomp. Because this day started like most others do lately - overwhelmed, overbooked, not enough hours or resources or strength. Painful. Impossible. Really hard to manage. Tomorrow promises the same.

From that place of hurt God connected and satisfied my craving for release.

While my heart and head and every fiber of my emotions were straining to contain how those women and their abilities inspire me, the enormity of my responsibilities and expectations were killing me.

God brings balance and when He does it's complete, unlike my version which looks a lot like baked procrastination with a fear frosting. He simply asked me what I was willing to let burn for the sake of lasting memories and relationships like I have with these women. Like my grilled cheese.

Let burn. Let. As in choose and then allow. Burn. As in disintegrate, which, by definition, means it's gone. You can't get it back. Without even realizing what I was agreeing to, I agreed. Let it burn!

To my amazement, what God wanted me to let burn was not my to do list (bummer). It was the life-threatening weight of my self-imposed stuff. I didn't realize how excruciating the weight of worrying about what someone who chooses not to like me thinks had become. I'm immobile from worrying that I'll do something wrong and mess up someone else. I'm carrying the weight of all that I'm supposed to do and care about in addition to an unmanageable heart-load of fear and self-doubt and worry.

Crazy thing is, the people who I'm worried about should be carrying this load, not me. When I carry it they don't have to. That won't fix anything. It'll sure break me though.

And just like that, whomp, I could choose to burn it. Craving. Satisfied. Like ice water when you're melting. Like really good coffee... any time. My deep-calls-to-deep was offered release. The absence of that weight was tangible to my soul. There was suddenly available space in my brain and heart. I didn't need fewer tasks as much as I needed fewer worries. Who knew that was an option?

Life is suddenly manageable. Same to do list. Same number of hours in the day. Less worry. God brings balance.

This wasn't a simple moment for me to come by. I've been CHOOSING to cling, desperately at times, to God. I didn't always want to. Sometimes I called Him mean in the quiet places of my heart. Same thing as shouting it to the God who is my DNA. I knew He could hear me. I was hurting, but I wouldn't let go. All I could do was continue to push myself against Him, hold on to Him. Make the choice to do what I knew I should despite it all.

He proves to be real and strong and able without fail. I now know Him well enough to choose Him. Over and over. Hurt AND joy. Fear AND trust. Doubtful AND sure. Despised AND loved. Always.

He's the Lover of my soul. That's one of my favorite names of God. That kind of God satisfies cravings before I identify them. He brings balance. He saves grilled cheese.