Burnt Cheese

Life is... a craving satisfied. Enhanced when you didn't even realize that's what you were craving until you got it. It's that delicious moment when God whomps into the deep-calls-to-deep spot in the center of your soul. I love that spot. It's so... satisfying.

He came to breakfast. Grilled cheese. Who wouldn't?

I'm cooking and Sara Bareilles is singing Brave compliments of my friend Sherra who makes me better. Brave's playing on a fb page so I'm looking at the faces of my Stand girls and my heart is working to contain what those faces do to me, how they fill my world to overflowing.

My head is still trying to process the emotion of watching our Joeie-ellie walk down the aisle to a boy who loves Jesus more than he loves her. And all our girls, who were in Jr. High ten minutes ago, were there, some wearing rings from other boys who love Jesus, all of them searching for Him in every space of their lives. Those girls wreck me. How can I love them so much?

There's a picture of Samantha training to be a soldier, which is fitting because I don't know many who are willing to stand in battle like she does.

My world tightens to just the space my computer fills, my cheeks are drowning, my heart is dense with all the emotion and hope and love these women bring to my life. I feel like me and Jesus are having this beautiful moment. Until. I smell burnt cheese. Dang it.

Whomp.

 Whomp such an absolutely accurate way to describe God's entrance in those super personal moments that confirm I'm His. He doesn't crash in; He loves me too much. He doesn't sneak in; He's too sure of Himself for that. He whomps. It's graceful and gentle and consuming. Only a Creator could connect with His creation this way.

Can't say you've felt that connection? Can't remember it? It's there. Take another grip with tired hands. Take another, or a first, look beyond where and who you are. It's not-so-simple and so simple all at the same time.

...back to it cause now I'm a bit ticked. My breakfast is burning.

But there's that lingering whomp. Because this day started like most others do lately - overwhelmed, overbooked, not enough hours or resources or strength. Painful. Impossible. Really hard to manage. Tomorrow promises the same.

From that place of hurt God connected and satisfied my craving for release.

While my heart and head and every fiber of my emotions were straining to contain how those women and their abilities inspire me, the enormity of my responsibilities and expectations were killing me.

God brings balance and when He does it's complete, unlike my version which looks a lot like baked procrastination with a fear frosting. He simply asked me what I was willing to let burn for the sake of lasting memories and relationships like I have with these women. Like my grilled cheese.

Let burn. Let. As in choose and then allow. Burn. As in disintegrate, which, by definition, means it's gone. You can't get it back. Without even realizing what I was agreeing to, I agreed. Let it burn!

To my amazement, what God wanted me to let burn was not my to do list (bummer). It was the life-threatening weight of my self-imposed stuff. I didn't realize how excruciating the weight of worrying about what someone who chooses not to like me thinks had become. I'm immobile from worrying that I'll do something wrong and mess up someone else. I'm carrying the weight of all that I'm supposed to do and care about in addition to an unmanageable heart-load of fear and self-doubt and worry.

Crazy thing is, the people who I'm worried about should be carrying this load, not me. When I carry it they don't have to. That won't fix anything. It'll sure break me though.

And just like that, whomp, I could choose to burn it. Craving. Satisfied. Like ice water when you're melting. Like really good coffee... any time. My deep-calls-to-deep was offered release. The absence of that weight was tangible to my soul. There was suddenly available space in my brain and heart. I didn't need fewer tasks as much as I needed fewer worries. Who knew that was an option?

Life is suddenly manageable. Same to do list. Same number of hours in the day. Less worry. God brings balance.

This wasn't a simple moment for me to come by. I've been CHOOSING to cling, desperately at times, to God. I didn't always want to. Sometimes I called Him mean in the quiet places of my heart. Same thing as shouting it to the God who is my DNA. I knew He could hear me. I was hurting, but I wouldn't let go. All I could do was continue to push myself against Him, hold on to Him. Make the choice to do what I knew I should despite it all.

He proves to be real and strong and able without fail. I now know Him well enough to choose Him. Over and over. Hurt AND joy. Fear AND trust. Doubtful AND sure. Despised AND loved. Always.

He's the Lover of my soul. That's one of my favorite names of God. That kind of God satisfies cravings before I identify them. He brings balance. He saves grilled cheese.  

There is promise in the pain

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted; He saves those crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

As a mom and wife and pastor and human being, my heart is, as is yours, grieved in ways that are horrifying and sad beyond description. I want to declare my love for my kids and my sorrow for those who are now forced to realize life without their child. It's unthinkable. 

We need to process. No matter how you've been affected by this, and other tragedies, we need to talk-out what's in our heads and hearts. We need our reactions and responses to be heard and affirmed. It's healthy. 

We also need to know our truth. It's better if you already know it and just need to breathe long enough to reset and regain firm footing. It's often more difficult than some are willing to tackle to try to find truth in the throws of a broken heart. It's difficult, but not impossible.

To my girls who are just starting to recognize Jesus in all things; to my sweet, strong Mommas who are holding onto their kiddos a little tighter and stronger today: I want to give you and remind you of our Truth.

God does not give us an attitude of fear or timidity, but of power, love and a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7 It's truly hard not to be fearful when something like this happens. It reminds us we're not invincible just because we're Christians. That rocks my world. I don't like it. I want God to sign on the dotted line that me and mine will always be safe. In these moments I need my Truth more than ever.

With perfect peace you will protect those whose minds cannot be changed, because they trust you. Isaiah 26:3 Another translation of that verse further explains how to be assured of this promise of peace: God will keep in perfect peace those whose minds stay fixed on Him. There is so much floating around telling us how we should feel and what we should expect when tragedy strikes. The root of most of the negativity and damnation is fear, but anger is easier to handle than fear. When I'm angry you can't touch me. When I'm angry I'm in control - or so it feels. And so we spew. Even when it seems perfectly justifiable, resist the angry spew. No one benefits from it. It's unattractive. Makes you look foolish because a fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back. Proverbs 29:11  It negates your status as someone who loves because the are loved: a Christian. And stirs up other fearfully angry people: A gentle word turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger. Proverbs 15:1 All things that take us out of the tractor beam of the promises that create our Truth and soak us in peace. Instead let everything you say be good and helpful, as is fitting for the occasion, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear. Ephesians 4:29 Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. James 1:19 I really want my family to live and breathe surrounded by the righteousness of God.

Don't get sucked into fear or doubt. Be different. It's a much happier place to be. We can't accomplish anything or add a single day to our life by worrying. Matthew 6:27 Instead decide, repeatedly decide, to believe your Truth. Trust it. It's God's will and deepest desire to keep us in perfect peace even when circumstances yell and scream in your face that there's no hope of peace in the middle of "this". Philippians 4:7  And share your Truth, your peace. Never feel like you have to fit into tragedy. How does that make loving Jesus worth while? You're not doing anyone, least of all the brokenhearted, a favor by being yet another lost and fearful person in the crowd. There's a difference between someone who knows and lives in Truth and has that peace to offer, and someone who is callus and heartless to a situation. That's not you. God will show you how to be YOU, and through you He will shine. When you believe in your truth and allow it to calm you, soothe you, send your baby to school, cry with a friend, laugh through those tears, put one foot in front of the other, invite someone to church or into your home for dinner or coffee because it's in those places and moments that both of you get to see Jesus do what He does best - love us.

As we head into the days when we'll try hard to move forward and regroup, will you continue praying for the families who lost their children? I know you will. Let's pray together for those who are equipped to help them know Jesus and recover through His love to have favor and access to their lives. I'm praying for each of us to be deeper in love with Jesus and to plant these truths into our hearts and minds so we can be quick to call them up and know that we are always on firm footing with the Lord.

Love you.

Melanie

2. 
   

1 year later 2 months ago

Well. It's only been a yearish since the last post. I'm ready to crack this open. I think.

The last post was written with toes over the edge of our first prelaunch service which happened one block from Church Street, down the stairs to the FlynnSpace theater. For as much as I have seen in the two years we've been here, these two places are the cultural definitions of Burlington.

I cannot describe the night. I cannot believe I didn't turn inside out. It was surreal. I felt like a rock star, a little kid, myself and someone else all at the same time. I felt like God's hand was so heavy on my head and shoulders and heart that it was almost crushing, yet I know it was the only thing that made one foot continue to step in front of the other.

My girls were there. Cute as anything. Excited. Running around. Dancing on the stage. They ate in the green room. Twirled in the full length mirrors that super stars (small s) have twirled in. They played with their friends and my gift from God, Ms. Sue. They were there. It's part of their story. They are part of the story of Stand. That's priceless to me.

I still can't find the words to articulate what it felt like (feels like) to have people invest in the vision and passion of this ministry. Our friends here were literally hand-picked by God. He shared the plan with them before we did. He pierced their hearts and set their feet on the same narrow path he mapped for us. And there they were, doing things I hadn't thought of, doing them better than I ever could. They made the service happen so I could actually BE there.

I watched my husband load in, rehearse, lead worship and open the door God built.  Jesus' love and power would be available to anyone who came that night and every time we meet. We actually lived the inception of our dream.

There were 32 people there. People who don't know Jesus well enough to be in love with him yet. It was amazing.

It was overwhelming.

We had a month before we had to do it again. That was not much time.

Vermont is perceived as this magical, fall-colored syrupy-sweet place. Underneath it's steeped in a dark spiritual heritage. It's well-versed in keeping things quiet and solitary. It's the perfect place for God to set up camp. That called for a fight. It took about two seconds for me to feel like I was managing an impossible balancing act in my mind and soul. I couldn't believe how much time had passed in an instant. Summer ended. We were ready for our official launch.

God did the miraculous and we were welcomed onto the UVM campus to have weekly meetings in the Billings Library. We promoted as Loud. Caffeinated. Church. We set up an impressive smorgasbord of free candy, sodas, Monsters and Red Bull. We'd go into the rooms where students were studying and invite them to come get sustenance - nothing makes a study session as effective as a Monster and Sour Patch Kids. They came. We got to tell them why we were there - no strings. We got to BE the church every week.

At Christmas we had Keurig hot chocolate and cookies - a lot of cookies. Students came and one guy was insulted that I didn't remember him. He'd been "coming to our church" all semester. We'd talked. I'd listened. I knew about his upcoming test. I blamed it on his beanie and scarf. I swear I had no idea we were part of the same church family.  Here's what I learned: there is no preconceived need for church here. There is little to no understanding of church to so many. They have no idea what it means to me when I say I'm a pastor, a Christian. This was his church - all he'd ever known or experienced. Some sugar and caffeine were a means to be heard and considered and remembered (I recovered well - darn beanie). That's now what he knows church to be. He never sat through a service. But he felt connected because every week we got to BE church and just love on those students. I pray for more for him. I'm ok with the way the seed was planted and watered with Monsters.

I text almost every week with students who don't sit in on the service. But they are learning what church is, who God is. All they know is that I'm available. I remember their tests. I laugh and cry and continue to do so no matter what they tell me. They say, "I'm so glad you're my pastors." ??? I get it now. It's weird. Well, it was. It's Vermont. Which is now us - the magical syrupy parts. It's how we're having church. By being church. It can't be about the building or the numbers when you don't have either. That will change. We will grow but not until it'll never be about the building or the numbers.

That's the long story short. Some weeks we think we've arrived. Many others we are disappointed that the seats aren't filled. I finally feel like I can write a few things and start to let the goings on of the past year start to filter out. The impossible balancing act I've been managing is equalizing just a skosh.

5 years later 2 days from now

There are days that Post-It to your brain and, like a good Post-It does, pop up in unexpected places to remind you about life. Some such days:

The first morning I woke up wearing my shiny new engagement ring... tingly!
The afternoon Jeremy and I sat on the bench at The District and heard, "Congratulations, you're pregnant!" (PS don't take calls like that in public. What a mess!)
The walk from the doctor's office to the car when I told my mom, "There's two in there!"
Carrying "the two" into our house, so tiny they were lost in their car seats, after 45 days in the NICU.

Have mercy...there are so many more! That's the sign of a blessed life. Thank you, God of Wonders for not giving up on me.

There's one more that popped up yesterday that has had me playing chicken with pure freaked out fear, insane happiness, awestruck wonder and Christmas morning excitement ever since.

It was a summer afternoon five years ago. Jeremy and I were planning summer camp for ONEministry and something started us dreaming. I was sitting in my cushy blue rocking chair, he was sitting on the floor in front of the couch. We had always talked about starting something new - a ministry from scratch. This day the dreaming went big. We talked about opening a coffee shop. We talked about how we would do church and sling coffee at the same time. We talked about how cool it would be to be that close to students who would love us and come sit in the shop every day and learn to love Jesus. We talked about how awesome it would be to have caffeine available all day long!

I remember feeling so full of excitement just daring to think it could ever happen and, in the same thought, feeling this crushing weight because it was so far away and there was so much between us and then...if there was ever even a then like that in our future.

I remember with perfect clarity hearing God's still small voice say that we were very good at dreaming about the future but it was time to start learning what to do with the next ten minutes. It was time to start being those people in the dream even without the dream to fuel us. I didn't love it. I just wanted to be the girl with the coffee shop, with the church filled with students who came as they were - messy and lovely and needing a Savior and meeting Him there with us. I hated putting down the dream to plod through my reality.

1 Corinthians 2:9 No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceive what God has prepared for those who love Him.

Fast forward...

It's Monday night. Wednesday night we have church. The church we dreamed about five years ago starts two days from now. It's the beginning of seeing that God-dream play out, not like it did in our heads but like it did in God's. What we laid down in our living room, and a hundred times after, so that we could plod through the next ten minutes is about to become our reality.

I'm so grateful, Lord. So in awe. So inspired to trust You with all the details that seem to be spinning out of our control. I can see it... and it's so much more magnificent than what we dreamed! The people alongside us are so far beyond who we deserve. But it's You they love. And you chose us... five years ago.

Five years from now, when we replay the next two days and the days that are coming when you open the coffee shop that is still part of this dream of Yours, we'll remember our little 200 year old house in Latrobe with the crooked floors and low ceilings where you first showed us the dream; we'll remember the most incredible youth kids who came there and to ONEcamps and to the Rave!; we'll remember Vegas and our first pink apartment and closet offices that we loved and The Fix that we miss; we'll remember our first year in Vermont that we waited through to get to June 15, 2011 and we'll lay it all down again for the next ten minutes.

If you have seen it, heard it, dreamed it...know that He will accomplish it.

 Were you there? 5 years ago...

...2 days from now

Rock A Baby

I love how as life gets more difficult, God gets simpler. I'm sure there's some spiritual equation at work in there - I just don't know it...yet. I should soon. I say it often enough.

Perhaps difficult isn't the right word...no, it is. But it's not necessarily a bad kind of difficult. It's just different difficult. Like when your kid's intellect grows faster than yours. Take, for example, today. My lovely little bit of sunshine Zoe Schultz came into her room giggling and left doing those convulsive gasps you get after a good long fit. Over putting her coloring mats away. When did she master belligerence (defined as aggressive or warlike behavior), and why don't I know how to parent that? How did she learn first?

I've heard a lot lately, do everything in love. I think Jesus said that too.

Even after we had our meeting of the minds, Zoe was all too grateful to get scooped up out of her bed and snuggle up with me to "rock a baby" - my 3 favorite words. "Mommy? You want to rock a baby?" Oh you know I do!

I've been asking God to rock a baby a lot these days. His response is always the same as mine. That's astounding to me.   

It's how He responds to everything I bring Him. You want to hear how great this was, God?
Oh You know I do! 
You want to hear how scared to death I am?
Oh you know I do?
You want to help me fix this...again?
Oh you know I do!
You want to...
Oh you know I do! Seems I hear the response before I even finish the question. His lap seems always ready. His love and concern and compassion are so genuine.

And that's what makes it so simple. Love. Concern. Compassion. Pair them up with the wisdom He promises and I'm pretty sure you've got it.

I just love you...that's all

I'm sitting alone (which is a rare thing) in my room trying to soak in and commit to memory this day spent with Jesus. It's a pretty marvelous moment. So much so that I have to sort it out and put words to some of what is etching itself on my brain and my soul. I love my little blog place in the universe...

My fantastic husband watched the girls today while I continued to put all the pieces of women's retreat into cohesive messages. So I sat nested on our bed and let God pour out His astonishingly, extravagant love on the pages of my fading PC. I hear you calling, Mac!

In the background I heard the squeals and laughter of our girls as they played with Daddy. Then I heard Daddy coming up the stairs...in retreat from the squeals? No, he was looking for ways to dress the girls up like ladybugs because their wings are still packed away in a box somewhere. We dug through a box of coats and found two red and black puffy vests - don't mock, we live in Vermont! - and a pile of old, boa-like scarves. A far...far cry from a ladybug but the offspring loved them and they squealed and laughed and flapped their boa wings and danced around the living room.

Then it was quiet for awhile and I was lost again in God's brilliance and in how creatively He expresses His grace. The messages were all coming together and I was so taken by His love and how deep it runs for us.

Then I heard Jeremy ask the girls if they were ready to put on their rubber boots and go exploring. They were! They talked about the mud puddles, how cold it was, if Frosty was still melted, "Can I put my hood up?" "You hold my hand, Dad?" They went on and on as he got them both dressed and out the door - no small task.

I know these aren't the moments Hollywood is after, but for me they were the backdrop to this amazing day between me and God.

God's been keeping me still since we got here. Somewhere in that stillness I got a soul makeover. I'm looking at this reflection of me and it's not what I once saw.

Life is harder than it's ever been in some ways and much simpler in others - I think that's called living. And I think it's how we become bold and crazy and gentle and fragile and strong and a whole mixed up wonderful mess of things that each belong to us.

I spent a long time today trusting God with one of the most fragile parts of me. A part that I don't allow others to handle for fear that it might get broken again. Broken hurts. Except with God. I found that out today. He turned that one thing that I protect with silence and it caught the light just so and suddenly it wasn't so fragile any more. In fact, we tossed it around and I went out for a long pass a few times even though I'm not very good at catching. I showed it off to the women at the retreat - well, I typed it out as part of a message. That was hard. Really hard. It got fragile again real fast. But then God did that thing where He makes it look much different in His hands than it did in mine. So it's in there. To be said out loud to women I don't know so well. What will they think of me?

You want to know what it is, don't you? It doesn't matter as much as knowing that while it can linger in the background of my reflection when I see myself, it doesn't exist in God's mirror. It's not anything more than my story, my weapon to wield. He loves me that much. That's one powerful cross. One powerful love.

It's saturating me, making permanent marks on my soul, this love that makes me more than a sum of my choices. I sat nestled in it all day. I heard it in my kids and husband as they played. I felt it when I read an email from my beautiful sister who loves like no other human can. I understood it a little more as I realized all the little and big things that make me who I am are okay by God even if they don't match up with everyone in my life.

It's been a wonderful day with you, Jesus. I don't want to forget when tomorrow gets hard. Right now I'm trying to soak in as much as I can to help me remember. I'm so glad you can listen to my heart. I just love you so much...that's all.

My Resignation

Good times in the life of me this week!

It's Saturday morning and I'm getting ready to go to hear Abi Cyr, a church planter in New England, speak at a women's retreat. I'm thinking about how I'm ready to finally grace God with my willingness to live in Vermont and actually be a Vermonter. That's a biggie for me. But I'm ready. Cue the strings and woodwinds. Grand moment of humble(??)submission is about to begin.

Praise God for His mercy and love for this sinner!

Somewhere in the midst of my nonsense, which is the honest best I have to offer some days, I had one of those "conversations" with God where He downloads a new version of me and I suddenly have a new truth to operate from. It seems like there should have been words spoken, but He's God and He spares Himself from my end of the conversation. So it just happened.

It went something like this...

Melanie: "I don't think I want to be a college pastor. I still like teenagers better. I didn't leave youth ministry by choice. You took me out a back door at night in the dark and I thought we were going for ice cream."

God: "You used to minister to your passion (youth). Now you'll minister to what grieved you most about that passion (losing them in college).

Melanie: ...something like a stunned silence with vague undertones of that "Der" sound you make when you get what you're hearing and find it to be so far beyond what you would have come up with...

God: "And so you don't find yourself in another season of grieving, I'm going to involve you in women's ministry so your college girls don't get lost after graduation."

Again with that stunned silence thing. The download was already complete. The deal was done.

I found myself fighting the urge to be a baby and whine at God for tricking me good...again! Truth be told, I'm learning to be proud of these moments when life seems to have turned a sharp corner down Sucky Drive. I made the choice to obey God and follow Him here - long before here was a college church planter in Vermont.

I'm starting to see that the road is not a punishment but a love pat, that feels like a baseball bat at times, to lead me toward the vision I long for and away from the disaster and heartache that would come from being ill-equipped, soft and unaware had I arrived via the "easy" road.

So, even though I haven't been in youth ministry for over 3 years now, I officially, in my heart, resigned my position as a youth pastor and accepted my role as a college pastor...and women's ministry involvee. I also officially, in my heart, became a resident of the fine state of Vermont, mud and all.

Off I went to the retreat.

Fast forward 5.5 hours to the end of the retreat. Our women's ministry director for Northern New England asked me if I would be the spring retreat speaker and travel throughout our district to share Jesus with the wonderful women.

...something like a stunned silence with vague undertones...

Not really, I love to talk about Jesus. I said yes before she finished asking. But still. Jesus is the lover of my soul, my safe place to resign one passion and immediately replace it with two more.

My favorite lessons are the ones that teach me that He can be trusted because there is no wickedness in him. Psalm 92  He can't trick me, ditch me, abuse me, unlike or unlove me. He can't call me and leave me unable to do what He's called me to do. He can't forget about me. No plan goes unnoticed by Him. He can't give me anything less than His very best. He can't leave me without enough finances, food, shelter or clothing (wahoo!). He can't leave me in an unsafe place. He can't leave me with no friends or not enough vision to carry me through. He is my beginning and my end; I am destined to flourish.

Moses. Not Just for OT Survey Anymore!

So here's one for the church planters and anyone called to start a new thing for the Lord. It's a good one because you will most definitely find yourself in a few seasons of discouragement due to extreme waiting ...and waiting ...and opposition of all sorts from those who should know better and be grateful for your sacrifice. chuckle chuckle snort You'll feel certain that what you toil and labor over (mostly in your mind and prayers at the beginning) amounts to nothing to your supporters and critics alike. And you'll be tempted to doubt your awesomeness and take a ride on the Fear Train. Don't. At least not until you consider Moses.

Moses. God love him. He was precious.

He had a go of it as a leader.

He was chosen and set up quite nicely with that whole basket in the Nile op to complete his calling. He botched it by killing a guy.

He gets another chance but cries about his ability to do what God's telling him to do through a burning bush... Have I prayed for a burning bush set of instructions? Yes, I have. Have I received them? No, I have not. I'm just saying, Mo...

He finally gets an Associate Pastor in charge of community relations and he's not so well received by the big guy in charge of his target demographic. Bummer. He fights on. Things get much worse. He's misunderstood and unappreciated. If at first you don't succeed... He gets his people and God shows up in big ways just to say, "Hey! I got your back on this one. Let's go!"

His people grumble. A lot. So much so that he loses his temper. Repeatedly. And spends most of his free time settling their disputes over...the flakes? ...the sand?

Not much to show for his extreme call that was going to change the world. I'll bet he didn't look in the mirror every morning and pray for humility while he fielded offers to write a book and speak at How to Set Your People Free conferences. My guess is he wondered often why the heck he left his family for this! I'll bet he was glad they were in the desert where no one could see what a disaster his "church" had become. I mean, sure, there were miracles and confirmations but a few of those can only go so far. Right?

Then we get to Exodus 18. The church planter's/ new thing starter's Perspective Chapter.
18:1 Moses' father-in-law, Jethro, heard about everything God had done for Moses and his people. He heard especially about how God had rescued them from Egypt. v5 Jethro came to visit Moses in the wilderness. He brought Moses' wife and two sons with him. v8 ff Moses told his father-in-law everything the Lord had done to Pharaoh and Egypt on behalf of Israel. He also told him about the hardships they had experienced along the way and how the Lord had rescued his people from their troubles. Jethro was delighted when he heard about all the good things the Lord had done.

"Praise the Lord," Jethro said, "for he has rescued you from the Egyptians and from Pharaoh. I now know that the Lord is greater than all other gods, because he rescued his people from the oppression of the proud Egyptians."

Then Jethro brought a burnt offering and sacrifices to God. Aaron and all the elders of Israel came out and joined him in a sacrificial meal in God's presence.

The next day, Moses took his seat to hear the people's disputes. Jethro asked, "What are you really accomplishing here? Why are you trying to do all this alone?"

Moses replied, "Because these people are a giant pain in my donkey!"

"This is not good," Jethro exclaimed. And he proceeded to give Moses the advice that changed his strategy, empowered his small group leaders, and made him available to answer when God called him up to the mountain to meet with him and get those stone tablets we still use today.  A pretty stellar moment for a lame church planter/new thing starter, if you ask me.

So here it is. Moses would not have planned Exodus the way it happened. Not at all. Moses was tired, frustrated, angry, lonely and generally weary of his call. But he had a long term vision and he knew that he knew that God had told him to do this thing.

Some days all you can do is put one foot on the ground and pray for God to shove the rest of you out of bed. So he did.

And along came Jethro. Into the wilderness. Wife and kids in tow! He was inspired by Moses' miserable experience to the point of saying, "I know now that the Lord is greater than all other gods." Why? Because Moses had been through things most people wouldn't dream of even considering and he was still standing, telling the tale.

If Moses hadn't pressed on through all the junk, he'd have had no testimony to bring Jethro to the realization of who God is and would be in his own life. Need I say, that's the only reason we do this!

Now the good stuff happens! Jethro blesses and encourages Moses and his staff, gets involved, starts using his gifts to further the Kingdom and helps Moses get ready for what comes next. That's church, people! That's the church at its finest! Showing people who our God is and letting them get involved in the awesome mess...I mean awesomeness with us!

So be of good cheer...what's that mean?? Get happy for your circumstances. For the choices you made to get you here - even when here is a miserable place surrounded by miserable people. We're church planters! We ain't afraid... well... we aren't quitters.

We're living someone's salvation message. When they tell how they came to be convinced the the Lord is greater than all other gods, you will be mentioned by name and miserable struggle! Perspective is a wonderful thing.

To further prove this, I offer our most exciting update yet...
We are getting ready for pre-launch services to begin in late May! We will officially launch weekly services at Stand church this August when our students come back for fall term!

We have been encouraged and blessed by strangers and friends who simply listened to our story and, when it seemed to amount to nothing to us, they were convinced that our God is greater and worth their time, prayers, talents and dollars.

This is another beginning. Another middle. Another end to our story. I love how big God is!

Ode to Mud Season

To the tune of "Hello Mother, Hello Father". Enjoy!

Hello Mud and
Hello Water.
I don't love you;
You're a bother.
Grab my tires
Send me sliding.
So I'm stuck here in the house until I'm crying.

Ruts and potholes
Getting wider.
Dog fell in one,
Now we can't find her.
Teeth are chipping,
The ride gets rougher.
Look behind us, Dear, I think that is our muffler!

Musical interlude...


Frost heaves tore up
All the pavement.
Now we don't know
Where our wheel went.
Oh please VTrans
Won't you help me?
That bump shattered all our windows now we can't see.

My truck's dirty.
So's my jacket.
Don't know how long
I can hack it!
Sun, if you're waiting
For a reason
To come could it be to save me from Mud Season!?

Finding Me Right Here Where I Am

Here's what I'd like God to do. I'd like Him to show me a hologram of myself and do all that Iron Man computing so He can pull out each little part of me and let me know how I'm supposed to act. I'd like to see what's the "right" me and what's the "Needs work, kid!" me. That way I would know when to stop busting my own chops when life around me doesn't go well and when I NEED to have my chops busted and come back in line.

That's what I'd like.

I'm waiting...

So. As I suspected (after waiting for 39.2 seconds and getting no response), the answer is probably already in me (Thank you, Coach!) and is definitely waiting to be found in the Word.

Here's my latest life-gem: I'm insecure at Olympian levels. One gold medal...pssht. I'm a repeat medalist - one for the history books. The whole world knows my national anthem: Affirm me! Affirm me!! La la la Affirm me! 


I don't think I'm alone in this. I'm a perfectionist and I have junk in my life. It's not the having junk that messes with my head. It's the working through it. It leaves me vulnerable. I despise that. Weakness sucks. Except for what God says about it. Which is why I keep working on it and exposing it and dang if I don't continue to find myself in places, among folks who enjoy highlighting it for me...just in case I missed it the first time. Thanks.

I (have to) believe that this latest magical season is ushering me to a place of security in who GOD (keyword) fancies me to be. I feel it in my bones and I'm holding on tightly to the hope of it. I'm pretty sure it will make me much more effective in this thing called life!

My process has been that I work really hard to figure out who I am. I pray. I study the Bible. I think and over-think it all. I usually cry - because the process is prompted by some swipe to my confidence that I'm, in fact, recovering from masked as self-improvement. I do all this silently, to myself. Then I unveil it on creation!   


Viola! The perfect me!

Seriously, I am repeatedly convinced that this will be the version that finally works, that pleases all humanity and sets me up as woman-extraordinaire. Yes, I do know the definition of insanity, and if you think this is the first place I see it play out in my life you should read just about any other blog.

What makes today different is that I see myself a bit more from the outside looking in rather than through windblown hair with emotions raging - it's hard to have a healthy perspective from that vantage point. It's hard to hear God with that storm raging in my ears. Today I see glimpses of this fantasy Me who may just be the girl God fancies me to be. ...which means she's real. In my dreams she looks like this:

She is not everyone's scapegoat. Even if they think I am. She is not to blame for another's ridiculously bad choices that they continue to wallow in right in front of me. She is not the reason things don't go well...usually. She has lots to learn and always will because God said I'm an on-going project and that's ok. However, She is pretty smart and can do all sorts of things just right, even when it's just my version of "just right" because I'm not the Kingdom, I'm merely a part of it. That's not an excuse to tell the world to shove off; it's learning to be confident in who I have to be to make my slice of the Kingdom function. 


That being said, She... ok, I need to let God help me take the big girl steps out of the raging emotions and uncertainty so I can be confident even when there is a shortage of affirmation. Writing helps. But the "when it comes right down to it-ness" of it is not even a little bit easy. Especially when I'm about 180 degrees from most people around me. I think what I see as weakness is not to be pshawed, but embraced in the proper context.

Which is: "He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness so Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardship, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Cor 12:9,10

When I know who I am according to Christ, then I am strong even if I'm not being hailed as woman extraordinaire. When I am steeped in the Word enough to know when to speak truth and when to pray truth silently over a person, then I am strong. ...and I can deal much more peacefully in my soul with annoying people who are just working out their slice of the Kingdom.

I am also reminded of my own counsel: You don't admire a person who keeps her head down and plows through what ails her. You admire the girl who knows her God and trusts Him enough to let Him shelter her weakness when it's exposed for all to see, and insult, and persecute, and use to make life hard. Cause at the end of the day, it's me and Him. And He will affirm me as often as I will listen: Beloved of the Lord, rest secure in Me for I will shield you all day long, I love you and you can rest between my shoulders. (my personal version of Deuteronomy 33:12). I am my beloved's and he is mine. Song of Solomon 7:10

Also...no one likes a lunatic. That one helps keep me just a step away from crazy!

Deep Thoughts on Winter

A few thoughts I've had as the snow and temperatures continue to fall because what can you do but laugh...

Dear Paul,
Did you use a broom to remove ANOTHER 8" of snow from your vehicle while it pelted your face and poured into your boots before you wrote verse 12? I know life was tough for you too, but I was just wondering. : )

Dearest Mr. Snowplow Driver,
Thank you for moving all the snow off the roads. Oh, and you know how you piled it up higher than my side mirrors along the on and off ramps between me and food, that was fun! The fishtailing was getting so mundane. Not being able to see oncoming traffic really added something special.

Dear Moron who tailgates during treacherous conditions,
You're a moron. But you're not as bad as the awesome southern skier who drove 13 miles per hour down the treacherous hill.

Dear Inventor of the 4-Wheel Drive,
Bless you! My Durango rocks winter. I thoroughly enjoyed driving through that drift that was higher than my tires. And I survived the on ramp.

Dear Master of the Storehouse of Snow,
Despite my prior musings, winter is magical. It rewrites the world so totally, so completely. It reminds me that out of nothing, You spoke everything. In chaos, You breathe control. I stand in awe of You...but not outside. It's freezing out there.

If only...

Oh high school, where are your days when most problems could be solved with a good girl fight in the parking lot, or a few nasty notes passed during Chemistry? Alas, I'm grown up. Alas...

Seems this church planting gig comes with a lot more housekeeping than I originally noticed when I signed on the dotted line. And, try as I might, the contract is in Ursula's tentacles not to be wimped-out on (Little Mermaid has entered our 2 year old world). Perhaps this housecleaning is not just due to church planting, maybe it's just being a girl who is loved by God, loved enough to be brought to change. I'm (mostly) glad for that...the being brought to change part.

I told a friend that to be capable of handling all that comes with planting, you've got to give God permission to really scrape out the bottom of your barrel where all the rot and decay festers and blooms. I still agree with myself. ...oh glory, it's good to be amused. I also realize that I'm always willing to obey and "go through it" and suffer for the sake of something but I never (until today) received that all this suffering is part of God's love story with me. Just me. Because I'm me. I'm His beloved. And that's enough to merit His attention to my details.

God's kickin' it old school with this latest bit of tender lovin'. He went straight for the Mean Girls vein that apparently still pumps pretty good in me. The details aren't important. The lesson is.

I've been angry - like, really angry - because I wouldn't allow myself to settle some things with my mad high school skills and that left my pride jugular exposed and spurting pride-ooze. Grr! No coincidence that the amazing message at church was on conflict. It's from James and is a must listen to: comunitybiblechurch.ws the March 20, 2011 message. Then a friend tells me that her struggle over whether she had to be baptized was settled simply and completely by this: "Because Jesus said so."

That's it, isn't it? Because Jesus said so. That settles things for me. Because He's Jesus. My beloved. He's why we do what we do and, way more importantly, why we are who we are.

If it can be that simple then I can let myself be loved so much more intensely and completely. Then it's Him who mends my pride jugular and soothes my wounded weakness.

It's suddenly ok to be weak. It means I'm still alive. It means I might have a thing or two to teach and model for my girls and the boy that God blessed me with. It means that people around me can be stupid and annoying and I don't have to carry that weight as my own. Could it be that I am becoming the girl who is confident enough to let the world rage around me and not lose myself to someone else's spewing rot and decay? Hope so. I heard recently that God will put us in situations that will test and try our will to endure so that when we're in the place where it really counts we can stand. I'm counting on that. It's adding to my arsenal against the Dark Side.

This was a tough barrel scraping for me. I'd like to not learn this lesson twice. Pride is a maggot in my fudge sundae and I don't like it. It made me ugly and angry, and I know that anger is a mask that breeds disaster so I had no choice but to face it and fight it and not give in to how incredibly satisfying and few left hooks with an engagement ring would have felt. Bravo for me; I only fantasized about it and didn't do it. Oh sweet mercy, I was close though. But being cruel is just a measure of how far we can fall. Not worth it. Not when you see Jesus standing there.

Funny how well God knows us. El Shaddai - God Almighty enough to save me and stick with me, protect and forgive me, guide me and teach me truth.

the furious longing of God by Brennan Manning
communitybiblechurch.ws  March 20, 2011 message by Pastor Mike Kriesel

Upon This Rock...I Sit

Have you ever looked around to find that you're in one of those hurry up and wait situations. It truly is a precious place to be. For someone who would love to be a perpetual student, you'd think I'd appreciate this learning season a little more. I don't. I don't because I'm not automatically a still person by nature. I've really been working on it, but I thought (hoped, but knew better) that it would be a one time thing and we'd move on. Nah. I'm pretty sure this still business is on-going and that God has strategically placed certain things in my life to keep bringing me back to the rock...upon which I sit...stilly...and wait.

But in the waiting there is much to do. I'm so close to being certifiable. I'm aware of this. It's fun. We laugh a lot, Jeremy and I, so we must be okay. In the waiting, we do things like talk about what we would tell someone who said they only had 10 minutes a day to pray and wondered how to best spend that time. Then we look at each other and laugh because neither answer is how we spend our prayer time. So we try to take our own advice.

That's really quite scary. Taking your own advice. What if it doesn't work? On one hand it's better you find out that you're dumb quietly, behind closed doors. On the other, we're here...just us...in charge of all this. We better be right.

We also grapple with this underlying current of doubt and fear that God won't be God in the really big things - like paying our bills, keeping our kids safe and healthy in the middle of spiritual battles and making this enormous vision take hold and shake the foundations of Burlington. Why can I trust God for some things and not others? I do not know.

This post was actually a draft that I started months ago and couldn't finish. I'm finishing it now because I'm proud of myself and Jeremy and God - it's amazing how much I appreciate them both as I learn and grow - and how far we've come together.

We're still a lot the same as we were when I started this. But we're also a lot different, better, more relaxed, more focused, more trusting, more tried and true, more vicious for the vision of Stand and Apostrophe, more loving, our gentleness is more evident, our passion is more contagious, our ideas are more tangible.

We are planning the launch of Stand. We are talking dollars and cents (more dollars than cents) about the opening of Apostrophe. Life and the dream and our relationship with God are making forward progress. I don't feel like God's the cool kid in class I wish I could hang out with. I feel like I'm wearing His ring.

Snow Boots & Musical Cards

It's the joy of life to be loud. I'm one of those people who likes noise. I don't hate the annoying toys - except for one. You know who you are little bug; you know who you are. I don't mind playfully screaming kids. I prefer loud music.

Not always. I'm not mental. I'd love a date with Silence...me, you and a diet Sprite. Ahh!

There are, however, two sounds that are defining my life right now. The first comes from those cards that play music when you open them. The girls each got one for Christmas two years ago and we are still listening to Frosty the Snowman and Linus as he tells Charlie Brown the real meaning of Christmas.

This year Grammy was a dear and passed along Pap's birthday card and a Christmas card. The birthday card plays...wait for it...the M.C. Hammer classic, Can't Touch This nananana nana nana can't touch this. I showed the girls how to do the Hammer dance. Yes I can do it. And now that's what they want to see when they open it. They want to go in the kitchen and break it down. nananana nana nana So we do. I consider it exercise. And fun. And noisy. But we're making memories and that's what being two is all about: making memories that will solidify their opinion of me in the teen years, and building my arsenal for when they express their opinion of me in the teen years.

It's the Christmas card that gets me. It plays Silent Night. Zoe loves it and sits listening with her little head cocked to the side but only when she can make it past the first note, which she hates. So most often she opens it just long enough to hear the first high pitched, no-one-should-ever-sing-like-that note, Siii... Close the card. Repeat. Siii... Close the card. Repeat. SIIIII... CLOSE THE CARD. REPEAT. I keep telling her that it won't change. She doesn't listen. Siii...

I know I could throw it away. There's something sickeningly funny about it though that keeps it around. Like the Doritos Super Bowl commercial where the guy licks the Doritos dust off other guy's finger...sick! Made my toes curl it was so gross. But I laughed hysterically and hoped it would come on again.

The second is snow boots. They change a person. They are like brakes for the world. Here's the song of the snow boot: While they're warm and toasty and absolutely necessary, they are also big and clunky and like armor around your ankles. People who normally walk at a reasonable pace are reduced to a slower than slow plod when they pull on the boots.

The stores are full of them - folks who, although they'd like to, can not bend their ankles or lift their weighted feet quick enough to walk. So on we shuffle. On we plod. Thunk, Donk. Thunk, Donk. Toe, Heel. Plod. Plod.  

Those are the sounds of winter. The challenge will be to break it down in my boots...nananana nana nana

How Do You Spell Jesus Loves Me? N-A-P

Stay At Home Mom! That's me.

We woke up to -22 degrees last week. That's crazy. We live in America...I don't know what that means, but -22 seems like a netherworld temperature to me. My father-in-law has said that the Mason Dixon Line is just below Vermont. I now understand. Please don't talk to me about your teen degrees winter, southern states of Pennsylvania and Ohio. I don't want to hear it! lol

So -22. What do you do on a day that cold. I'll tell you what you don't do. You don't go anywhere near outside. So the girls and I settled in for a day of trying to stay warm and praying the power didn't go out. Jeremy did go outside and all the way to Northfield to mold the minds at Norwich.

That day was, for some reason, the first time I stepped back to realize that 'home' is now my job. And I have become my former self's worst nightmare. Someone asked for more specifics on what planting a church is like. This just about sums it up -- You will become your worst nightmare version of yourself...and love it...once you're there. You'll hate the getting there. But like every single thing God does, you'll not change a second of it once you've seen even a glimpse of where you're going and who you're becoming and what you're now capable of. What can I say? I'm laughing at you if you're new to the process. I'm in awe of you if you're a veteran. I will not pray that your road may be easier. You'll be too soft. I will, however, celebrate that you were chosen. It's an honor. God will use you in ways you've never even dared to dream. You'll be humbled when you speak about the vision God shared privately with you, the vision that becomes your reality and overtakes every part of your life until you're swimming in it. You'll be humbled because it's just your little old life but it somehow pounds on someone's heart and becomes a lamp to their feet on a path they didn't realize they were on before you started talking.

I can only speak to my experiences. And they are this: According to me, God chose the worst possible time to move us across the country and hand over this plan. It was rude, in my opinion. I had too much going on in my wee brain already and this church planting was more than I'd want to deal with on a non-issue laden day. I didn't like anything about anything. I missed my friends. I missed the sun. I missed my job. I did not miss 120 degrees, but I said I did just to be spiteful. God's only words in a season of silence were Be still. And still I have been. I hated still. He eliminated my distractions. Called out my fears. Laid bare every thread of me. And when I say 'bare', I mean 'bare'.

And then... dried the tears as I cried them. Met me in the spaces once filled by my well-placed distractions. Showed me how to talk to Him, really talk to Him so that nothing is shallow between me and my God anymore. I've lost the capacity to pretend and it is AMAZING to be free of it. I have the emotional ability to be so in love with my husband. It's like honeymoon ga-ga love. grr baby! Fear no longer has a permanent residence in me, and that alone has made me capable of unimaginable possibilities. I am coming in line with the power of God that is mine to use for Him. I like me. I'm stronger. I'm happy...like, really happy. God didn't have to replace what I felt I lost - friends, living in a cool place, security, support... I didn't lose anything; I gained all that He had waiting for me. I could go on like this for quite awhile.

The point is this, church planting fans and friends, so far in this adventure church planting has been about rewiring me. It has sucked the life out of me. Not fun. But the life beginning to course back through me is oh so much better than the one I was clinging so tightly to. It was forcing the old to be ripped out of my hands that hurt. Had I just had the face-to-face, look-into-my-eyes-and-know-that-I-am-God faith to let it go in the first place this ride would not have bounced me off so many rocks and sharp points. But, had I not been bounced around perhaps I wouldn't have the faith to take the steps ahead to plant Stand and open Apostrophe. I don't know. I don't care. I wouldn't change a thing because I wouldn't change a thing about who I am today, including, but not limited to, being Stay At Home Mom (capitalized because I feel it more super heroish...my true calling).

And should I ever look past all the wonders listed above and doubt the love of God, He verifies it every day at 1:15 when my precious little two year olds lay down for their nap. Dear God, I love You. It's a perk of the job, people. Don't be a hater; not everyone can be their own worst nightmare.

Identify Yourself, Please

So funny how a moment can change you. The past 4 years have really been a lesson in how I view myself. Through my adult life, my identity has come from who I knew, where I lived, my job, my title, my paycheck, my clothes, my bod - that's a roller coaster ride from Heck!, who I'm married to, what he looks like, what he does, how much he makes... have mercy, that's exhausting.

I could preach a dang good message about finding your worth in God, but, let's face it, who practices what they preach? God has a hilarious way of changing that.

When we moved to Vermont we had no job, no title, little money, no winter clothes, and 10 extra pounds (Jeremy loves pie! Ha, I wish I was talking about him. Stinkin' boy metabolism). Have I covered all my criteria for self worth? Take that girl who is already in a reality tailspin and move her into a house with one mirror that doesn't show anything from the shoulders down. May not seem like much, but when you can't see yourself or how you look in what you're wearing it does something to you.

Suddenly my self image was all in my head. Dangerous place to be. lol. I always imagine myself in the best possible way. With nothing to contradict that, I started to feel pretty good about myself. Before long I was just being a me that I had one day hoped to be, but held at arms length for lots of now meaningless reasons. It changed me. Something as simple as not having a mirror gave me a break from my own criticism and let me just like being me. That let me believe that others might see me first and not the 10 pounds or no job, no title, no...

I looked at Zoe a minute before blogging this and watched her build a block tower. She was working so hard and lining things up so meticulously. I was so proud of her! So impressed with her mad skills. So in love with Jesus for making her strong and smart after such a tiny, weak beginning. And then she looked at me and asked, "Like it, Mommy?" "Sit on it?"

All her work was rewarded by my opinion which is high and cannot be lessened. Her next move would be determined by my response. Enter: God moment. His opinion of me is high and cannot be lessened. He'll advise my next move because He knows exactly what will happen and be best for me.

I'm now a little better at practicing what I preach.

One of Those Days

I've been saying that our life happens like the turning of a page. That's still so true, but yesterday that image got better.


If you've read even one blog you know that we've been living miraculously on support from churches and friends and God...probably not in that order. Jeremy has applied for at least 50 jobs and has had no response from 90% of them. He's been doing freelance writing; I've been subbing, but seriously... How have we made it this long?!


I know it's been God's timing and I know (NOW) that to plant a church you have to be rewired and shaken and your mind has to be bent and bent back and that you have to let go and surrender and get tough and become gentler, be kinder, love people, like people, trust, trust, trust... I've been angry and tired and helpless and superheroish (in my own mind at least) and it's all been for what's to come. That will tick a girl right off some days - to go through this for someone else. But then there's a day. Just one day where it all becomes a little clearer and much more confusing - but clearer and that's what makes the difference.


Yesterday was one of those days. Jeremy left in the late morning to accept an adjunct lecturer position at Norwich University in Northfield. Northfield is not Burlington. This was not in our proposal. We have not preached about this in churches as we fundraise. I don't know where Northfield is for crying out loud. BUT...


When he said this was the job, I remembered what it felt like to be at peace. The peace where everything is taken care of in your life for a minute. That's when God shared this new image for our life.


Yesterday was like opening a present. You don't know what's in the box you're holding, but you open it and it's yours. It's your life now. And it's just right. Everything's different, but somehow everything's on course. One day you thought it was going to go like this and now you have this new plan - new to you, not to the plan Creator - and it fits. It's so obviously what was coming next. Not surprising, but a total shocker! Isn't that just how God works?!


So we're going to Northfield.


This doesn't change the plan for Burlington. Doesn't change anything because God has had this moment worked out all along. 5 1/2 months of job searching was settled something like this...(check Jeremy's blog for the boy version...less emotional...) Last month, we spoke at Jeremy's parents' church and there was a lunch after. We sat with a guy who has known Jeremy for awhile. We were talking about this position at Norwich and the guy hands Jeremy a piece of paper with the University president's name on it. Turns out 20 some years ago God put a Christian man in this position and brought his good friend to Jeremy's parents' church. Jeremy's resume went from the president to the Chair of the English Department to the hiring committee. The interview wasn't an interview. Jeremy had the job before he even got there. The president said it was because of Jeremy's merit and divine intervention, not him that he got the job. The president told his secretary to be sure to put Jeremy on his calendar any time he needed to talk. She knew who he was when he got there yesterday. There's more... another possible job, a house story...check back in a few days.


We don't know what God has for us in Northfield at Norwich University. We can't see the connections to UVM. But He's had this all worked out from the beginning. Not my beginning, His. It's so fun to not be worried or anxious - probably why God said not to be either.


Philippians 4:5-7 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present you requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.


Like I said, yesterday was one of those days.
  

January 2011 Newsletter

Bedtime Stories

It seems as if God's got his finger poised and ready to turn a page in the life of the Schultz'. One of our favorite people told us that this time in our lives would be just like that - like the turning of a page. Things would happen very quickly and all of a sudden there it would be, a done deal. We have found that word to be so true. Every part of this church planting adventure has happened just as if God turned the next page and made it be so.

It feels like we're there again. But we don't operate on feelings any more - at least not like we used to. It's a little more mature now - for lack of a better way to describe it. But the amazing thing is that God made us emotional beings and I think he enjoys feeling things with us and we with him.

We had two Thanksgivings this year. One with my family who celebrated early before my aunt and uncle went off to Bangkok, their next missionary assignment. The second with Jeremy's family and my parents. Talk about spoiled children - both sets of grandparents under one roof! How blessed we are.

Now Christmas is in the air. The girls see pictures of Christmas or see Santa or a manger and say, "Christmas!"  They still have no idea what's coming, but we're going to have fun! We watched Caillou - that bald, whiney kid that makes me want to... Anyway, bald kid was experiencing all the stuff of Christmas and he went to sit on Santa's lap. I asked Soph if she would sit on Santa's lap. She watched the show very seriously and said NO at first. Then she said she would. Then she suggested Zoe do it. Those two are so funny! I love twins.

We had our first service to share about the church plant and to fund raise for Apostrophe. It was beyond words. To be talking to strangers who are praying during the service (perhaps for it to end soon... no telling lol ) and shedding tears (Jeremy was preaching so...). But they bought into the vision, the calling, this thing that is OUR lives. They gave their money. The entire church got out of their seats and stood around us to pray. They linked together with us to fight against the powers and principalities of darkness to take those students for Jesus. Dramatic retelling? I can spin a word, but that doesn't make the reality of this any different. We're in a battle and God tells us that it's not against democrats or people with "lifestyles" or recycled paper users. Those logistics are just distractions. Behind the opinions and choices are people who need my Jesus.

We shared that with this incredible little church who are called to adopt and foster kids with special needs and to run a school for them. They have teachers who volunteer! (And all the teachers gasp - I did.) They are doing what God asked them to do. We're doing what God asked us to do. We helped each other financially as we could. But we agreed to stand together and pray for what the other is fighting for in the name of Jesus.

We are seeing the power of Jesus like never before - simply the power of belonging to him and knowing what his name can do, the power of praying together, believing together, listening in his name, loving on his behalf. Life is getting simpler. I appreciate my husband more than I can express even to him. I see my daughters growing and we enjoy them so much! I'm able to let people be people and let God be God - that frees up an unreal amount of brain and emotional space. We're each on our own part of our journey with God - whether we acknowledge we are or not. I can't speak to or heal or fix anyone, but I can pray for, love and listen to ANYONE.

So here we are. Waiting to see what's on the next page. Will it be a new chapter or part of this same one? A new front door is an illustration we'll be seeing soon as our house here in St. Albans is ready to go to the next pastors coming to Church of the Rock. That's exciting for us and them! Praise God with us for our home in Burlington. All our birthdays are here - the girls are 2 years old January 21! Can you believe it, friends! God is gracious and good!

Stay tuned for the next page of bedtime stories from Vermont! : )

Mom's Red God Phone

My mother. How is it that she can speak one sentence and change the trajectory of my world? Oh that I will be like her one day. My brother always said she had a direct link to God - like the president's red phone. It's true. And not nearly as scary now that I'm not a hellion.

The last two days have been ones where a few floating pieces of what God's been doing came together to make some sense for me. I love it when God uses people to speak for Him and when He just lets a droplet of a thought touch you and soak in until you're swimming in Him.

Ah snaps! I just realized that my mom actually has a red phone... hmm.

I hope what God's sharing with me brings some encouragement and, more importantly, empowerment to you.

My mom gave me this very simple reminder: Nothing anywhere happens without God allowing it. Not even Satan moves without God's permission. The enemy can posture like a snake all he wants, but the TRUTH is that he's defeated. He knows it. He fights not to win but to destroy. Sheer hate. I know this but somehow it sunk in this week. It became part of what I KNOW. I've found myself responding and reacting differently to his irritations and all-out assaults - posturing. I'm not beyond God's reach. He doesn't have to try to keep me safe. I sense an authority lesson happening.

I've been reading Luke 11 and Matthew 6 and 7 over and over since we got here. It's about asking and knocking and receiving. It's about assurance that you'll receive what you need because God won't let His reputation be marred.  It's The Lord's Prayer which is so elegant and passionate and simple - let people know You in ways that help them not to go on sinning so Your name is kept holy, let there be justice, peace and mercy, and give us what we need for today.

The term "little faith" really rearranged my faith. It's not referring to unbelievers; it's talking about doubt and fear and worry that doesn't jive with the disciple's calling. The way they were acting, responding and reacting was inconsistent to someone called to minister. They doubted God's protection in physical danger, they wondered if He would chose this time to quit providing. That doesn't work.

They had to KNOW that they could ask once for what they needed that day and God would provide because of their value to Him, because His reputation's on the line and He can't fail, and because His promises are bankable. They had to KNOW that it only takes once and then they could be about the ministry they were called to start. If they spent all day talking at God - fearing and worrying at God - then they'd never have accomplished anything with Him.

This is authority and faith to the max. What if prayer wasn't about telling God what you need, but thanking Him for His provision. Easier said than done when you're in rough times, but so freeing when you can honestly do it. There are more hours in the day when you don't have to carry the weight of God's provision You can be kinder and gentler. You can sleep. And you can begin to see borders to what seemed all-consuming yesterday.

Like I tell the girls, you have to choose to be happy, happy girls. You have to choose to be a girl of faith. That's so hard - the letting go. Thank God for moments when He speaks and all that you've been going through turns out to be yet another love lesson. I like the results. I'm done with the lessons. : )