Mountain Moving Time?

I'm pretty sure you're supposed to have something to say when you blog. I don't feel like I've had anything to say about our "progress" for too long.

Have you ever had a time when you keep doing what you do day-to-day, your routine, and then look back at a week or a month and wonder why you're so spent when it seems you've done nothing at all but live. Days pass so you must be doing something but there's nothing tangible to measure. I keep believing that this time will produce a super me that's so much more equipped to plant this church. smile.

We've done a lot of difficult things in our ministry life. But this is so far beyond all that. This is easily the hardest thing we've ever done. We knew the tasks of planting would be hard, but never dreamed what the emotional and spiritual toll would be. It's all good because God has put safeguards in place for us, people we trust who continue to confirm what we're doing when we doubt. People who can keep us standing when we're sure we should quit.

My challenge has been to keep going with no emotion, no feeling attached to God. I know what I'd say to anyone who was having this experience. But that doesn't change what it's like to live it. I have to believe the truth of the Bible or not. That sounds duh for a pastor and church planter and Christian. I hate to even admit it because I should know better. Knowing is different than KNOWING -- the kind of knowing that makes it your knee-jerk reaction, your first thought, the way you respond and react.

I feel like I keep pouring all these day-to-days into this empty shell of me. I'm not really scared of this odd numbness that the absence of God's warm fuzzy presence creates. I'm excited to see what lies ahead, who lies ahead. I know that God has to be true to His word. I know He called us here. I know we are going to see Apostrophe Coffee open and Stand Church will happen - is happening. Lives are already changing despite my lack of feelings. That means that God is who He said He is. It means that He equips the called. It means more that I can put into words.

It continues to leave me still and without anything to say -- perhaps more accurate is that it leaves me without a way to  say all that God's been doing in me. I'm learning to be the wife and mom and pastor that He intended, in that order. That's an honor. To be chosen. To be secure.  To know my family is part of what God is doing in Burlington.

We've done a lot of things for God. This is something we're going with God. It's going to be amazing, life-changing to see how God provides for us. It's hard not to feel like we're stranded, but we're not operating on feeling any more. We have our Truth. The choice is mine to stress and worry and fear or to trust. That sounds simple. smile. It makes every email, phone call, dollar and prayer a major miracle in my life. It means I'm not stranded even though I don't have the answers or the way to make all this happen -- even to pay the bills. That's pretty basic for a self-sufficient person. It takes what I thought Faith was and raises the stakes. That's hard but now it's exciting. Perhaps we're about to see God's hand move our mountains.