Finding Me Right Here Where I Am

Here's what I'd like God to do. I'd like Him to show me a hologram of myself and do all that Iron Man computing so He can pull out each little part of me and let me know how I'm supposed to act. I'd like to see what's the "right" me and what's the "Needs work, kid!" me. That way I would know when to stop busting my own chops when life around me doesn't go well and when I NEED to have my chops busted and come back in line.

That's what I'd like.

I'm waiting...

So. As I suspected (after waiting for 39.2 seconds and getting no response), the answer is probably already in me (Thank you, Coach!) and is definitely waiting to be found in the Word.

Here's my latest life-gem: I'm insecure at Olympian levels. One gold medal...pssht. I'm a repeat medalist - one for the history books. The whole world knows my national anthem: Affirm me! Affirm me!! La la la Affirm me! 


I don't think I'm alone in this. I'm a perfectionist and I have junk in my life. It's not the having junk that messes with my head. It's the working through it. It leaves me vulnerable. I despise that. Weakness sucks. Except for what God says about it. Which is why I keep working on it and exposing it and dang if I don't continue to find myself in places, among folks who enjoy highlighting it for me...just in case I missed it the first time. Thanks.

I (have to) believe that this latest magical season is ushering me to a place of security in who GOD (keyword) fancies me to be. I feel it in my bones and I'm holding on tightly to the hope of it. I'm pretty sure it will make me much more effective in this thing called life!

My process has been that I work really hard to figure out who I am. I pray. I study the Bible. I think and over-think it all. I usually cry - because the process is prompted by some swipe to my confidence that I'm, in fact, recovering from masked as self-improvement. I do all this silently, to myself. Then I unveil it on creation!   


Viola! The perfect me!

Seriously, I am repeatedly convinced that this will be the version that finally works, that pleases all humanity and sets me up as woman-extraordinaire. Yes, I do know the definition of insanity, and if you think this is the first place I see it play out in my life you should read just about any other blog.

What makes today different is that I see myself a bit more from the outside looking in rather than through windblown hair with emotions raging - it's hard to have a healthy perspective from that vantage point. It's hard to hear God with that storm raging in my ears. Today I see glimpses of this fantasy Me who may just be the girl God fancies me to be. ...which means she's real. In my dreams she looks like this:

She is not everyone's scapegoat. Even if they think I am. She is not to blame for another's ridiculously bad choices that they continue to wallow in right in front of me. She is not the reason things don't go well...usually. She has lots to learn and always will because God said I'm an on-going project and that's ok. However, She is pretty smart and can do all sorts of things just right, even when it's just my version of "just right" because I'm not the Kingdom, I'm merely a part of it. That's not an excuse to tell the world to shove off; it's learning to be confident in who I have to be to make my slice of the Kingdom function. 


That being said, She... ok, I need to let God help me take the big girl steps out of the raging emotions and uncertainty so I can be confident even when there is a shortage of affirmation. Writing helps. But the "when it comes right down to it-ness" of it is not even a little bit easy. Especially when I'm about 180 degrees from most people around me. I think what I see as weakness is not to be pshawed, but embraced in the proper context.

Which is: "He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness so Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardship, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Cor 12:9,10

When I know who I am according to Christ, then I am strong even if I'm not being hailed as woman extraordinaire. When I am steeped in the Word enough to know when to speak truth and when to pray truth silently over a person, then I am strong. ...and I can deal much more peacefully in my soul with annoying people who are just working out their slice of the Kingdom.

I am also reminded of my own counsel: You don't admire a person who keeps her head down and plows through what ails her. You admire the girl who knows her God and trusts Him enough to let Him shelter her weakness when it's exposed for all to see, and insult, and persecute, and use to make life hard. Cause at the end of the day, it's me and Him. And He will affirm me as often as I will listen: Beloved of the Lord, rest secure in Me for I will shield you all day long, I love you and you can rest between my shoulders. (my personal version of Deuteronomy 33:12). I am my beloved's and he is mine. Song of Solomon 7:10

Also...no one likes a lunatic. That one helps keep me just a step away from crazy!