If only...

Oh high school, where are your days when most problems could be solved with a good girl fight in the parking lot, or a few nasty notes passed during Chemistry? Alas, I'm grown up. Alas...

Seems this church planting gig comes with a lot more housekeeping than I originally noticed when I signed on the dotted line. And, try as I might, the contract is in Ursula's tentacles not to be wimped-out on (Little Mermaid has entered our 2 year old world). Perhaps this housecleaning is not just due to church planting, maybe it's just being a girl who is loved by God, loved enough to be brought to change. I'm (mostly) glad for that...the being brought to change part.

I told a friend that to be capable of handling all that comes with planting, you've got to give God permission to really scrape out the bottom of your barrel where all the rot and decay festers and blooms. I still agree with myself. ...oh glory, it's good to be amused. I also realize that I'm always willing to obey and "go through it" and suffer for the sake of something but I never (until today) received that all this suffering is part of God's love story with me. Just me. Because I'm me. I'm His beloved. And that's enough to merit His attention to my details.

God's kickin' it old school with this latest bit of tender lovin'. He went straight for the Mean Girls vein that apparently still pumps pretty good in me. The details aren't important. The lesson is.

I've been angry - like, really angry - because I wouldn't allow myself to settle some things with my mad high school skills and that left my pride jugular exposed and spurting pride-ooze. Grr! No coincidence that the amazing message at church was on conflict. It's from James and is a must listen to: comunitybiblechurch.ws the March 20, 2011 message. Then a friend tells me that her struggle over whether she had to be baptized was settled simply and completely by this: "Because Jesus said so."

That's it, isn't it? Because Jesus said so. That settles things for me. Because He's Jesus. My beloved. He's why we do what we do and, way more importantly, why we are who we are.

If it can be that simple then I can let myself be loved so much more intensely and completely. Then it's Him who mends my pride jugular and soothes my wounded weakness.

It's suddenly ok to be weak. It means I'm still alive. It means I might have a thing or two to teach and model for my girls and the boy that God blessed me with. It means that people around me can be stupid and annoying and I don't have to carry that weight as my own. Could it be that I am becoming the girl who is confident enough to let the world rage around me and not lose myself to someone else's spewing rot and decay? Hope so. I heard recently that God will put us in situations that will test and try our will to endure so that when we're in the place where it really counts we can stand. I'm counting on that. It's adding to my arsenal against the Dark Side.

This was a tough barrel scraping for me. I'd like to not learn this lesson twice. Pride is a maggot in my fudge sundae and I don't like it. It made me ugly and angry, and I know that anger is a mask that breeds disaster so I had no choice but to face it and fight it and not give in to how incredibly satisfying and few left hooks with an engagement ring would have felt. Bravo for me; I only fantasized about it and didn't do it. Oh sweet mercy, I was close though. But being cruel is just a measure of how far we can fall. Not worth it. Not when you see Jesus standing there.

Funny how well God knows us. El Shaddai - God Almighty enough to save me and stick with me, protect and forgive me, guide me and teach me truth.

the furious longing of God by Brennan Manning
communitybiblechurch.ws  March 20, 2011 message by Pastor Mike Kriesel